hunger, go away.

hunger often scares me. i've been hungrier for the past few days. i had a snack, in 2 parts. first, an apple:

** 1 fruit **

and then, feeling like the very hungry caterpillar, i ate the other half of the coconut larabar i had this morning. i actually do like them plain, but i think i like them better as an oatmeal topping.

** 1 starch **

and today's totals:

9.5 starch
1.5 dairy
3 fruit
6 protein
4 veg
6 other

sometimes i wonder if totaling up my exchanges is a good or bad thing?

cheeseburger & chips!

ok, so a turkey-feta burger, and kale chips . i wanted a satisfying 15 minute dinner with little to no cleanup, and this fit the bill.

turkey-feta burger on whole wheat pita with ketchup, plus parmesan-kale chips
(plus a bunch of baby carrots while prepping dinner, as i was hungry!)
** 2 starch, 3 protein, 2 veg, 2 other **

i had actually frozen this turkey-feta burger back in early november...


... when a friend had come to visit. we were going to cook dinner, and decided on something that involved seasoned ground turkey, and so we bought this burger-- sold raw, just like seasoned ground meat, from the meat counter at whole foods (where else?!*). but we ended up staying out way later than we had thought, and were too tired to cook, so i froze this. and now, practically 4 months later, it has become my dinner!

in case you aren't familiar with kale chips... they rock. credit again goes to kath. i took a whole bunch of kale, tore it into pieces, coated it with 1-2 tsp. walnut oil, sea salt, ground pepper, and grated parm (just toss with hands on baking sheet-- no need to dirty another bowl). stick baking sheet in 375º oven for roughly 12-15 minutes, until edges are golden brown and kale is dry and crisp.

the before:

look at my cute parm grater! i don't use it much because it's not all that practical and i have a real/better one, but... it's cute!

and the after:

volume shrinks to about half

i'm feeling a bit lonely right now. luckily i have tentative plans to meet my friend tomorrow. i wish it were easier for me to just reach out to friends.

* i don't do ALL my grocery shopping at whole foods, but i do tend to buy my meat there, as well as a lot of staples which are actually much cheaper than at harris teeter. plus when i want things like naan and garam masala, like yesterday, i head to whole foods! plus, it's pretty close by.

i just got back from errands, and was quite hungry. but it was already 4:30 and so i thought, hmmm maybe i should just wait until dinner. i asked myself, what would c., my nutritionist, tell me to do? and once i asked myself that, it seemed quite silly. let's see... would c. want me to listen to my body and have a snack? or would she want me to ignore my body and continue to be hungry? let me think for a millisecond . i also realized that a normal person, when hungry, would eat... without this internal dialogue. yes, there are times when people plan meals around activities, but i'm not on a schedule today. so i made a snack. i was really craving cottage cheese and fruit:

1/2 cup cottage cheese with 1/2 cup strawberries, 1/2 banana
** 1 dairy, 1 fruit **

i also had a cup of tea with some milk & honey earlier (an other or 1/2 a dairy, if i care to count it). i get $.25 cups of tea or coffee from whole foods, since i work next door, and so after stopping at the yarn store to show off my overalls, i ran in and grabbed a cup. it was still raining out, so tea was perfect. i took my cup over to the bookstore afterwards for some browsing. a nice way to spend a saturday!

but my apt. is messy, so now it's time to clean!

cuteness overload

i finished* the pair of baby overalls i'm giving as a gift. i'm very pleased with the results. pictured next to the book (i think mine looks just as good!):


*still need to sew in snap tape to the legs (for easy diaper changes), but that requires washing and pre-shrinking the tape, and sewing (which i hate doing) so i'll get around to that eventually. the baby isn't due until may!

wet.

i decided to go for a run in the rain. running in the rain is all about mindset. if you decide you are going to get soaked, you don't fight it. i must admit the last 10 minutes weren't so much fun, as the novelty was wearing off, and i was beginning to get cold. but the shower afterwards was like none other.

i know i have to be careful with the running. my nutritionist warned me that it might be becoming more of a compensatory behavior, as the 2-3x/week has become more like 3-5. i DO enjoy it, at least most of the time, but it's definitely a tricky balance.

i had 1/2 of an opened mueli bar pre-run, found among my stash of bars:

** 1 starch **

it is amazing how i often don't even remember what foods i have around/leftover. there was a time when i could never eat 1/2 of a granola bar and then forget about it.

ridiculously good leftovers for lunch, served with kashi 7-grain crackers:

** 3 starch, 2 protein, 2 veg, 2 other **

mmmm......

new day

thank you susie & hopeagain for giving me words of encouragement last night. i made it through the fight. i'm suspecting that my cycle/hormones have something to do with the crying/hunger/introspectiveness, as i'm due to start my period at any moment.

i woke up hungry this morning, go figure. by 7 i had to get up and make breakfast. i did not let the ed voice rule, and went straight to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. i was craving stove-top oat bran (always a good choice), and i'm currently enjoying:

pre-cooking:

• 1/2 cup oat bran,
• 1/2 cup water, 1/2 cup vanilla soymilk
• pinch salt
• small banana, cut up into thin slices

after cooking:

• pinch brown sugar
• rounded tsp ground flax

topping:

• 1/2 coconut larabar, crumbled
• 1 T almond butter
  

one serious bowl - ** 2.5 starch, .5 dairy, 1 fruit, 1 protein, 2 other**

i didn't know that i liked larabars. i've had them once before and found them too compact for a stand-alone food, but crumbled atop oatmeal it's just like cookie bits. apparently "everyone is doing it" so i had to try, too.

sometimes it scares me that i often eat 1/4 of my daily "energy" for breakfast. it is so common for people at work to talk about how they didn't have time for breakfast, and i'm thinking... and i've already had... ? occasionally there are free breakfast foods at work, and people grab (and talk about) the food as if morning eats are an rare occurence. me on the other hand, can't eat the breakfast foods at work, because i'm too full from my own, which i eat every day! we are having a company breakfast next wednesday, and so i will have to remind myself not to eat beforehand!

today's plan: take it easy. i want to get some crocheting done, along with laundry and other fun household chores. it is really gloomy out, so a lazy day will feel nice, i think.

sobbing

after my snack, i still felt oddly empty. maybe i was confused, but i thought i actually felt hungry. i went into the kitchen to look for something i might be OK with, and chose something that i actually wasn't OK with, almost as if to give myself permission to purge afterwards. i ate a bag of kettle chips that i got free from work-- approx. 225 calories in the bag-- and immediately afterwards felt horrible. dirty, disgusting, repulsive. i did/do NOT want to purge the lovely dinner i had eaten, but i feel stuck and awful. i am scared that i will want to make up for this tomorrow and restrict. i cannot rationalize anything right now. tears are streaming down my face. i am crying over 225 calories worth of potato chips. of course i know it's not really about the chips. i don't think i've ever been this emotional while fighting my disorder, but in the past i probably would have succombed to the disorder by now rather than fight so hard.

edit: 10:24 p.m. and still fighting, still strong. i will not allow the disorder to win tonight.

heavenly soup

i just made the best soup i've ever made. as well as the best soup i've ever eaten. nutty vanilla sweet potato kale soup, thanks to the awesome kath. seriously, this could not be improved. i even went back for seconds, without feeling guilty . i was wondering whether or not this would freeze, but i'm not sure i will even worry about that, because i will be happy to have this every day for the next few days.

nutty vanilla sweet potato kale soup, served with whole wheat naan
something around ** 3.5 starch, 2 protein, 2 veg, 2 other **

i still feel a bit like i shouldn't be allowing myself to overindulge enjoy my food like this. but today was a good day at work, so that helped my mood a bit.

while picking up my soup ingredients, i decided i would peek at the frozen section for a treat. i happened upon a sale on single "kulfi" ice cream bars ($1.37) - the indian version of gelato. since my dinner was indian inspired, this seemed fitting. i chose a flavor i had never heard of, the "chikoo" fruit, which i am now learning (from wikipedia) is similar to a persimmon in the way that it can be extremely astringent and dry out the mouth when unripe (not pleasant, trust me), but incredibly sweet when ripe. so i'm about to go enjoy my treat and sack out on the couch. i found a picture online and i'm too lazy to get out my camera, so this will have to do:

roughly ** 1.5 dairy **

and today's totals:

7 starch
5.5 dairy
2.5 fruit
6 protein
3 veg
6 other

iwillnotfeelguiltyiwillnotfeelguilty.

confused this morning.

i'm just generally confused this morning. i woke up hungry, but also somewhat out of it and kind of blah. i don't really want to go to work. i don't really want to do anything. i just ate breakfast and now i feel icky. i feel disconnected and anxious. it's amazing how powerful the damn ed can be... it extends so far beyond food.

i couldn't decide what i wanted for breakfast, so i split it up.

smaller-than-usual bowl of heritage flakes & puffins, frozen cherries, soymilk, plus 1/2 a banana with maple-almond butter
** 1.5 starch, 1 dairy, 1 fruit, 1 protein, 1 other **

this wasn't very enjoyable . i couldn't decide what i wanted to pack for lunch, either:

rudi's whole wheat tortilla with roasted pepper hummus, smoked turkey, monterey jack cheese, and yellow bell pepper (my wrapping job was not so pretty so this is the "before"), and a cup of really sweet local strawberries
** 2 starch, 1 other, 2 protein, 1 dairy, 1 veg, 1 fruit **

and for a morning snack, i packed:

3 prunes and some roasted/salted peanuts
** 1/2 fruit, 1 protein, 1 other **

afternoon snack is... friday afternoon latte special! ** 2 dairy, 1 other ** . since i was sick last week, it's been TWO weeks since my last latte. i don't even think i've had one elsewhere since then (which is great for my wallet).

i wish i could shake the feeling i'm having right now . i'm looking at these pictures and thinking, i don't WANT any of this. wouldn't it make things better if i skipped them? um no, disorder, that would not help. i'm not likely to have much hunger today (when i'm feeling like this i generally don't-- it's the ed's way of manipulating me into thinking that i don't need food or that not eating will help in some way) so i need to be diligent about my meals/snacks.

sorry for the downer post. comment if you relate.

reallywishihadntjusteatenthatsnack

i'm anxious right now. and i really wish i hadn't just eaten this:

cup of warm soymilk, 2 honey graham cracker sheets, and a piece of dark chocolate
** 1 dairy, 1 starch, 1 other **

i thought this was going to be a comforting snack, but really, all that is going through my mind right now is:

you just had an awesome dinner where you allowed yourself to indulge a little. why didn't you just stop?
you weren't hungry for this.
you ate too much today.

i was definitely hungry for most of today-- starving when dinner came, probably because of the run an hour and a half beforehand. at dinner i had 1.5 slices of barbeque chicken pizza with bbq sauce, roasted peppers, red onions, mozzarella and parm (SO good) and an amazing salad (roasted pears halved & baked with blue cheese on a bed of organic mixed greens with toasted almonds, homemade croutons & our pear vinaigrette), AND a hoegaarden. i felt guilty about the beer at first, but my friend got one too, and i thought it would go well with the meal (and it did). guessing my dinner (with the beer) was about ** 3.5 starch, 2 protein, 2 veg, 3 other, 1 dairy **.

... which would make my daily totals:

9.5 starch
4 dairy
2 fruit
3 veg
5 protein
7 other

i know this is a bit higher than most days. but i did run, and up through dinner i was quite hungry. so if the only bit i'm concerned about is the grahams&milk snack, i really shouldn't sweat it. i just can't help feeling like i'm just going to slowly get fat (i really need to tell that disordered voice in my head to take a hike).

i leave you with silly pictures of belle & me.

musings at lunchtime

i've been very hungry today. i think i'm about to get my period, so that makes sense that i might be a bit hungrier (and/or because i was sick last week and wasn't able to eat as much).

i was so ready for lunch when i got out of a meeting today, at 12:30. it was then that i suddenly had an internal dialogue, and only afterwards i realized how differently this dialogue would have gone were it not for my eating disorder. let's start with a non-disordered person:

self: wow, i'm starving
self: i'm going to go eat lunch now
self: thanks.
self: no problem, we're a good team.

but here's how my dialogue went:

self: wow, i'm starving
self: well, what should i do about that?
self: well you tell me.
self: oh yeah! i get to go eat lunch!
self: thanks!
self: welcome. this is strange, but i like it!

and so i went and got my lunch. it wasn't as if i felt guilty while eating... i didn't really question whether i was going to eat or not... but the idea that eating is the natural solution to hunger is still not an intuitive one. i've spent much more of my adult life restricting than actually allowing myself to eat normally, so it sometimes feels like i'm giving myself something extra special each time i eat a normal meal. and sometimes i don't feel like i deserve that.

after an exhilarating run outside in 60° weather, i'm off to an impromptu dinner at LILLY'S with a friend from work. she was asked to take out an employee visiting from our UK office, and so she asked me to join... so that means our meal is on the company . yay!

when you dream about sleep...

... you know you aren't getting enough! i actually dreamt that i slept a luxurious 9 or 10 hours, and woke up (in my dream) feeling totally refreshed. but then i woke up for real and realized that no, i had slept from 11 to 6. really i have no one to blame for this but myself... oh well.

i woke up hungry again this morning. although sadly much of that hunger has gone away from the time i woke to now, as i'm eating breakfast. i should think about showering/packing lunch in the evenings.

my lunch/snacks are pretty:

top: lunch; bottom: snacks!
morning snack - total splurge on a new product at whole foods - rachel's pear and mangosteen*cottage cheese
lunch - smoked turkey, monterey jack cheese, and leftover raw veggie slices that didn't fit into the ratatouille (zucchini/squash/tomato/eggplant) with light mayo on one side, stoneground mustard on the other, and a nectarine
afternoon snack - puffins, 6 almonds, and a dried fig
** 1 dairy / 2 starch, 2 protein, 1 dairy, 1 veg, 1 other, 1 fruit / 1 starch, 1 other **

*aesthetic packaging at its best. i don't even know what mangosteen is, and yet i paid something like $1.60 for this thing. ok thanks wikipedia, now i know. seriously though, i bet gourmet food companies could get consumers to buy products using made up names. i mean, wouldn't you buy this?

whipped rhatcha and anise star yogurt with cinnamon dusted peaches

price makes a difference too. i doubt my rhatcha yogurt would sell for $.60/container, but i bet it WOULD for $1.79. because expensive = gourmet, right?! food for thought .

i thought about having cereal for breakfast, as i ate a couple puffins while packing lunch, but then i decided that if i didn't include almond butter in today's breakfast, i'd miss it!

ezekiel 4:9 english muffin with maple-almond butter on half, plum-cherry preserves on the other, and some fresh, local strawberries purchased yesterday
** 2 starch, 1 protein, 1 other, 1 fruit **

i never get tired of this:

"how do you stay thin?"

i was hungry today! my oat bran held me over until about 12 or so, and at 12:15 when i got my lunch i was ready to inhale it. i was ready for a snack at around 3, and had the cheese&kashi crackers i had kept at work from last week (** 1 starch, 1 dairy **). my class started at 6:30, so i stopped over at whole foods first to pick up a few things (FRUIT!) plus something for dinner. i didn't want anything hot or heavy (probably because i had a hot lunch), but i was definitely hungry, so i picked up a turkey, cheese, & veggie sandwich. plus 1 dark chocolate covered apricot from the bulk foods aisle (wonder if they thought i was slightly crazy for buying ONE of something in the BULK aisle ). guessing ** 2.5 starch, 1.5 dairy, 2 protein, 1 veg, 1 other ** ... it was a fairly big turkey sandwich!

when i got to the store (at around 6), the annoying lady (student) was already there. let's call her al.

al: oh, i didn't know it was lunchtime.
me: heh

and then later, when i get out the chocolate apricot:

al: how do you stay so thin? do you work at it?
me: heh

i just don't get what people think gives them the the right to comment on other people's food choices or bodies.

i wasn't really hungry for a snack now, but i know i can't skip (per my nutritionist... if i'm extra hungry i'm allowed to eat more than my "normal" mealplan-- put in quotes because i have a rough idea of how much i eat day to day but it's not really set and i do vary slightly from day to day-- but if i'm not hungry i'm not allowed to eat less). no fair, right? but this does make sense, and my nutritionist really does have my best interest in mind. this is not so much for the fear that one or two days of eating slightly less will have an impact on my weight (i'm finally close to where my weight should settle, after having been chronically under for the past few years) but for the fact that even slight undereating increases my risk-- exponentially-- for slipping into disordered behaviors. it's amazing what the human body is programmed to do when undernourished... wow i can't believe i'm referencing the keys study...

so long story short, i had a snack:

BIG apple and a small amount of plain greek yogurt mixed with a cinnamon honey stick, for dipping
** 1 fruit, 1/2 dairy **

and today's totals:

7.5 starch
4.5 dairy
2.5 fruit
3 veg
2 protein
6 other*

*i prob had the equivalent of another other too (a tiny taste of gouda at whole foods, a bit of sugar in my tea for lunch, and an adora calcium disk) but i haven't been counting the occasional nibble here and there so i'm not about to start!

edit: ate a nectarine (10:30 p.m.). why is is that i often get hungry later? almost as if eating a snack can "wake up" the hunger signals? at first i felt guilty but then realized... i was actually hungry. so no guilt allowed!

energized

i definitely pushed myself this morning to get out of bed early and hit the gym. i really didn't want to go, and the run was quite hard (although i swear i got the poorly adjusted treadmill, because every time i go on that one it feels like i'm moving .4mi/hr faster than the screen actually tells me... but i chose it because it is directly in front of the tv, and since i was the only one at the gym, i turned on married with children), but afterwards i felt great.

i had 1/2 of a muesli bar pre-run.

barely ** 1/2 starch, 1 other ** and i know, wimpy for pre-run fuel, but it's better than nothing...

i have class tonight, so i knew i had a bit of planning to do, meal-wise-- i was thinking of turning the rest of my ratatouille into pasta, because i don't have quite enough polenta left for a meal-- but i won't get home until after 9 tonight, and i definitely won't feel like cooking then... and i'd hate my "french laundry" leftovers to go to waste... so i boiled a pot of water while showering post-run this morning. 10 minutes later i had ratatouille-goat cheese-pasta!

made with red & green spinach & tomato pasta i found in my pantry!

so once again, a super gourmet lunch:

ratatouille-goat cheese pasta, and a small cup of strawberries (no more left!)
** 2 starch, 1 dairy, 2 veg, 2 other, .5 fruit **

i wanted stovetop oat bran for breakfast again this morning:

• 1/2 c oat bran
• 1/2 c vanilla soymilk, 1/2 cup water
• sliced banana, cooked with oat bran
• 1 - 2 tsp. maple syrup, stirred in at end
• topped with grain-sweetened carob chips (from the $.60 worth i bought the other day - makes it seem almost healthy)

** 1.5 starch, 1 fruit, .5 dairy, 2 other **

the carob chips were pretty good in the oatmeal-- they definitely don't replace chocolate, and in a way that's good for oatmeal, but i wouldn't want to make brownies with them. once again this was a superfilling breakfast-- i'm not even going to bother packing a morning snack.

not sure what the plan is for dinner since i have class from 6:30-8:30. i may pick up a sandwich at whole foods (next door to the shop where i teach) since again, my lunch is more dinner-esque. actually it's quite convenient because i need to pick up a few things (oat bran!). my fresh fruit supply has dwindled to... 1 lonely apple. i often fear that i'm buying too much fruit because i won't be able to eat it in time (it looks so good in the store that i buy a lot)... but that hasn't been a problem .

as expected, i didn't want a morning snack today-- the oatbran was pretty hardcore. i ate the pear wallaby yogurt as an afternoon snack, and skipped the crackers&cheese i had at work (au cas où).

dinner was a favorite panera combo at the meetup group-- 1/2 turkey artichoke panini w/ a bowl of chicken tortilla soup. and a small apple, which i ate a bit later into the knitting group. guessing around ** 2 starch, 3 protein, 2 veg, 1 fruit, 2 other **

i decided on tea and a piece of toast for a snack. i ate the toast kind of randomly, in the kitchen, without taking a picture, and then decided to quickly heat up my tea and leave the kitchen. nothing to fear, just a piece of toast...

sleepytime tea with milk and honey
** 1 starch (for the unpictured toast), .5 dairy, 1 other **

and today's totals:

7 starch
2.5 fruit
3 dairy
4 veg
4 protein
6 other

it is a relief to see this-- i feel very full right now but looking at the #'s i can see that i'm right on target.

oat bran!

this morning i decided to try oat bran. i didn't know whether i'd like this or not, so i only bought a small amount (i the bulk section at whole foods). verdict? very yummy... sort of a nuttier/creamier version of oatmeal. and at $.89/lb., i can buy some whenever i like.

1/2 cup oat bran with 1/2 cup soymilk, (and 1/2 cup water), and 1 banana, finished off with a small amount of brown sugar, 1/2 a chopped up walnut-date KIND bar, and a spoonful of almond butter
** 2 starch, 1 fruit, 1/2 dairy, 1 protein, 2 other **

i have a hunch that i will not be eating a morning snack this morning, as this was very filling. but it's slightly more "energy dense" than some of my other breakfasts anyway, so 'tsall good.

i packed the most gourmet looking lunch today:

(leftover) ratatouille atop polenta cakes, topped off with some crumbled goat cheese. i think this will reheat nicely. i'll probably get a few comments in the kitchen, but that's ok... they'll just be jealous!

** 2 starch, 2 veg,1 dairy, 1 other **

and a few strawberries
** 1/2 fruit **

i have a yogurt and some cheese/crackers at work from yesterday. i'll probably end up eating 1 but not both. tonight i'm going to another knitting/crochet meetup group. it's from 6:30-8:30 but this time, instead of having it at starbucks (where you can't get dinner so that makes for a bit of a challenge maintaining a normal meal schedule), they are having it at panera! i'm having more "dinner" for lunch today anyway, so this will be perfect.