back for an appearance

i'm not "gone" per se, but perhaps a bit conflicted. i did enjoy this blog while it was active... but now it's a bit too "public" to those in my life who might read this blog just to check up on me. and i don't mean that to offend, it's just that once i realized that this blog had to be more than just meal accountability, i got scared to tell the world, anonymous and not-so-anonymous, what i was really feeling underneath. blogs are tricky like that. and recovery is damn hard.

if any of you have dealt w/ a similar situation, let me know... i'd love to hear your thoughts.

my breakfast is in a bit of a rut these days, but i still love it. i recently discovered sunflower seed butter...

ezekiel cinn-raison english muffin, 1/2 with sunbutter & banana, 1/2 with sunbutter, pumpkin butter, & banana!, cottage cheese, strawberries, coffeeeee

that's 1/2 of a banana... love the thin slices mmmm...

i can't believe it's 8:10 already this morning... i'm incredibly late. i'll ponder the blog situation as i hurry to get ready for work...

ho hum

thanks, suzie, for asking about my weekend (seriously). my weekend was... less than stellar. there were just a bunch of disappointments, and i finally let them get the best of me yesterday. when life hands you lemons... yeah yeah yeah.

so i'm in a kind of blasé mood, and i just want someone to tell me things will get better, easier, happier, more natural. and i'm not just singling out the e.d. but just... life. wah wah wah pity party for rebecca =/.

i made a quick dinner that reminded me of childhood, but i just sort of ate it because it was after 7:30 and that means i should have dinner. it nourished me, and i guess that was the point, but i didn't care a whole lot about it.

cheese & potato pierogies, peas

at least it didn't bother me that i ate exactly TWO servings of pierogies-- although i'm sure a 3-piece serving is intended as more of a side rather than a main dish.

i finished a new project this weekend for a class i will be teaching in september-- a market bag for groceries. i think it turned out great, although my picture is dark, as per usual. there are actually 2 cds crocheted into the bottom of the bag as a base, which i thought was a clever idea, but who knows how sturdy that will be... anyway, i won't be using this until after the class is over, so i have a while to find out!

well that's all for now...

a date with. . . myself!

i experimented with an odd combination at lunch yesterday... and i liked it, so i will share:

avocado and almond butter!

try it and you might like it too! since i had an almond butter-less breakfast (a rarity), i had to try to squeeze it in somehow =). here was my strange mishmash-of-a-lunch:

1/2 sandwich with avocado and almond butter, grapes, 4 pieces surimi sushi (leftover from my trader joe's dinner)

and last night, i had a date... with myself! i was really craving some quiet time, and i didn't feel like cooking. i stopped at whole foods for some good eats, and decided to get a beer too!

spinach-walnut-gorgonzola salad, chimichurri-shrimp skewer, cilantro-lime chicken skewer, hell's belle belgian beer (mmmmmm...)

i finished off my beer with dessert ... 2 green tea mochi!

and now i'm still happy for some quiet time... off to crochet outside on my porch. and because it's so beautiful out , i'll let belle come out there with me (she loves to be outside but i rarely let her).

back to normal

belle, the one and only:


i took the kitten back yesterday. it was sad but sweet. had belle not turned into a stressed-out ball of fur, i certainly wouldn't have returned the kitten... but having this all happen this way made me realize that i'm not ready to let an animal affect my day-to-day life, and now i am more appreciative of having belle. despite her loud meows whenever i am in distant! proximity to her food bowl, and despite her shedding everywhere, she's a good cat, never biting or scratching or getting into any of my stuff, and she loves affection. plus she's generally lazy, which is a good thing...

i stopped off at trader joe's yesterday because i literally passed it on my way home from the cat shelter (i rarely go because it's 20+ min away)-- and i really needed to pick up something quick for dinner, as it was already 6:30 by then. i bought some lovely sushi, a box of green tea MOCHI (2 of which pretty much made my evening yesterday), some fruit, and a 4-pack of blueberry-raspberry oat bran muffins.

so i had an almond butter-less breakfast for a change:

fuji apple (i know, not in season, but i've been craving the crunch), cottage cheese, aforementioned muffin

it's going to be a busy/tiring day-- too much to do at work-- but it's almost the weekend (off tomorrow!) and i feel pretty good. all of this stress would have certainly led me to use my eating disorder in the past... but i've made it through, and that gives me confidence and hope. i'm sad that several of my friends will be away this weekend, but i'm looking forward to some self-time.

me & my oatbran, back to normal?!

i don't even know where my camera is... somewhere stashed away from my kitty. life has been chaotic these past few days due to the little rugrat, and sadly, the kitten is being RETURNED today. i feel soooooo guilty for returning an animal, but she has totally stressed my cat out, who has now had two peepee accidents, and frankly, after 3 weeks of trying to work things out, i'm not willing to risk any more. i've since locked the kitten up in the bathroom and have given lots of love to my cat, who has resumed her normal litterbox behavior (thank the lord!). the kitten is adorable, but i cannot wait until this afternoon when i can bring her back and give both my cat and me some well-needed peace.

despite the hot weather, i was craving oatbran this morning. so here i am in front of my oatbran/banana/pblarabar/raisin/maplesyrup/almondbutter concoction. i've been extra hungry for the past few days... maybe it's been anxiety?


i guess i'll head into work... i've been working since 6:30 this morning (watching over my cat to make sure she was OK) so at least i won't feel too guilty stepping out early...

presentation isn't everything

here's my kitchen table this morning. ok ok, it's really not all that disorganized...


check out my old-school phone... i finally get an upgrade next month.

i've calmed down quite a bit from last night. i woke up famished (despite my late dinner), and munched a granola bar before heading out in the... 65°! weather for a perfect run. i've been doing the treadmill thing lately, since it's been so darn hot, so this was wonderful. i really don't like the treadmill!

i'm relieved that i'm going to see my nutritionist this morning and then my therapist on thursday. i've made it through a lot of rough moments this week, and i'm ready for everything to slow down a notch. that being said, i think i've also grown stronger from surviving all the chaos.

wow.

today was one of the roughest days i've had in a long time. my day went from calm to stressed, and just when i thought i had everything down / anxiety back to a reasonably-stressed level, BAM, cat decides to pee in a box of important papers rather than her litterbox.

after some much needed coaching from my therapist, i decided that skipping dinner would not be the best way to deal with the chaos. so i sat down to this, which was waiting for me right before my cat decided to make my day just that much better...

"sante fe summer pot" (slightly modified) with shrimp/avocado/tomato/onion/jalapeno/corn/celery/cilantro/lime juice/cumin/coriander/tortilla chips...


it was good, but really it was just sort of... food to get me through the night. i'm so ready for the day to be over.

to blog or not to blog

open/closed-faced sandwiches... harvest grains bread, mustard/mayo, arugula, smoked turkey, avocado, baby carrots + bone-suckin' sauce

so i guess the question is... where do i go from here? do i keep up the blogging? or let this blog disappear as my former (deleted) one? i've lost much of the motivation to blog on a daily basis, and i think that happened as a result of 2 things: 1) gaining much more flexibility in my food/not so much needing a journal to track what i'm eating, and 2) feeling like i need to censor some of my still-quite-disordered and/or depressive thoughts to select readers, which kind of defeats the purpose of a recovery blog to begin with.

so... whereto from here?

lazy blogger

i know, i haven't been blogging much. i really just haven't felt like it. so i don't know where this blog is heading... i feel less of a need for it now, not that i don't still have struggles, but eating the "right amount" has become somewhat ::gasp:: intuitive! i'm not always OK with what i need... i question myself a lot... but i don't think i need to snap a picture and look at what i've eaten in a day to know what is appropriate.

i felt compelled to post tonight b/c i made a fab dinner: sweet potato, celery root, and black bean quesadillas. odd combo? well sweet potato and celery root go really well together... and i've had sweet potato-black bean quesadillas... and since i had bought both a sweet potato and a celery root at the store the other day, i figured it would be a good idea =). with sauteed onions and shredded dubliner cheese, topped with avocado, salsa, and greek yogurt...


time to read in bed...

colorful & summery

i haven't really felt like posting, or cooking lately.  tonight i wanted something easy, satisfying, and light & summery to match the southern heatwave.  i decided to make a surimi salald and stuff it in a pita.  i pretty much threw things in as i went along, not measuring anything, and it ended up delicious, although i forgot to pick up some cilantro, which would have made it even better...

this made plenty for 2 servings, and perhaps more than that:

• package flake-style surimi, shredded
• large stalk celery, diced
• 1/3 red onion, diced
• champagne mango, cubed (the small mangos)
• couple handfuls raisins
• some slivered almonds (how precise!)
• juice of a small orange
• tablespoon apple cider vinegar
• 1-2 tsp nuoc mam (vietnamese fish sauce)
• heaping tablespoon greek yogurt
• 2? tsp light mayo
• s & p

YUM!

wish i had some sorbet for dessert!

i took a half day today... i got up and just wasn't feeling it, and since i had an appointment @ 1, i decided to work until then, and take it easy the rest of the day.  i went to the bookstore and sipped on an iced coffee while reading, called a friend and caught up, and changed into loungepants at 5 =p.  i don't quite feel rested, since what i really need to catch up on is sleep, but i feel a bit more relaxed.  

once again, i'm feeling like i need more friends/more connection.  my nutritionist says it's a sign of where i am in recovery, where just figuring out the food piece isn't enough, and now i need something deeper.  i'm exploring meetup groups (to meet people for a hike or something) but i'm just so bad at pushing myself out there.  

worn out!

i was quite productive this morning...

put away clutter
cleaned litterbox
put away laundry, washed new load
cleaned kitchen, including:
cleaned out fridge of expired items, cleaned drawers
vacuumed floors/carpet
vacuumed couch (handheld vacuum)
mopped floors

... and now i'm exhausted. i forced myself to finish all that before breaking for lunch (or well, stopping... i'm done being productive for the day). i felt like i had a workout! by the time i was done (1:15), i neeeeeeeeeded lunch. i felt like something hot/filling, so i heated up one of those indian "tastybite" pouches:

punjab eggplant

... served alongside baby carrots and toasted pita:


i realized a dollop of plain yogurt would have been good on top... but not until i was about 3/4 through... so i didn't bother. i actually think this was kind of a puny lunch, especially after all that cleaning. i'm heading out in a few though, to the bookstore for some ME time without the cats, and i think i may splurge on a frappuccino .

i snapped this pic this morning, and love it. action shot! belle is just sitting there like, hmm?!


hope everyone is having a lovely weekend!

belle & sebastian

i can't resist... more pictures of the little terrors:

belle, the wise one--ha! (8 years):


and sebastian, aka crazykitty (6.5 months):


they almost look like they could be sisters! belle is maybe starting to tolerate sebastian...

i finally got some sleep last night. i was so tired after work yesterday, that i could barely think of anything to cook, but i still wanted a real meal. i had a ripe plantain that needed to be eaten, so i sauteed plantain slices with a bit of olive oil and sprinkled them with sea salt, nuked some frozen broccoli florets and topped them with ginger-chili sauce, and made a mini toasted veggieburger sandwich:


this left me hungry later, so i had a cup of hot chocolate AND a clifzbar. i was ok with that though, because i felt like i needed it. maybe this dinner was punier than usual?

mmmm... i'm excited to take the leftover plantain slices to work today for lunch =).

breakfast this morning was the usual almond butter/banana combo, served on a cinn-raisin english muffin with a side of nectarine & cherries:


and off to work i go. tgif.

breakfast, anyone?

breakfast is all i have time to post anymore! at least it's a lovely breakfast... peach, strawberries, banana/almond butter/pumpkin butter/full-fat cottage cheese, coffee.....


actually, i went out to dinner last night to bella monica, a cute italian/flatbread restaurant tucked away in a large shopping center. my friend and i shared the pear-gorgonzola-walnut salad (yummy, but the gorgonzola was weak!) and a fabulous flatbread with roasted eggplant, red peppers, pine nuts, tomato sauce, and mozzarella. mmmmmm. and i had a yummy glass of pinot grigio. 'twas a fun evening. later, my friend came over to play with the kitty, and then later another friend came over to play with the kitty.

alright, just enough time to check my work email, pack my lunch, and leave. this 2 cat thing is quite a challenge in the morning!

ha

i just found these 2 pics on blogger and realized i never posted this morning. not that it matters now, but here was my delicious breakfast. seems like i've only been posting breakfasts lately... but not to worry, there have been lots of other meals in there =).


g'night!