1 step back, 2 steps forward

after lunch i started thinking about all the things i wanted to get done, but i realized i was actually quite tired (slept < 8 hrs. last night) and at around 1:15 my mind suddenly thought of this little treat:

whole foods granola bar

** 1 starch, 1 protein, 1 other **

... and so i ate it, and immediately following began to judge myself:

you didn't need this now. you weren't hungry. it's really not time for a snack.

but a rational voice did pipe in:

normal people sometimes have a snack simply because it tastes good... and a treat after lunch isn't all that abnormal.

i decided to quiet both voices by taking a nap. i woke up at around 2 feeling quite groggy. i then remembered the pre-nap granola bar scandal, and before i knew it, i was starting to eat. i need to remember the h.a.l.t. triggers (hungry/angry/lonely/tired), as both tired and groggy states are very vulnerable times for me. this sounds like crazy talk, but i honestly don't know how i got myself into the beginnings of a binge. about a 1/2 hour (and a box of cereal, milk, and other random foodstuffs) later, i went to go rid myself of the food, full of guilt and disgust. the binge was quite half-assed... i only continued with it out of panic & ritual, but i didn't really push myself (binges for me often last over an hour), and i got absolutely nothing positive out of it, nor out of the purge.

afterwards i was feeling pretty low, having broken my "health streak" so to speak, so i decided to call my nutritionist. i wanted permission to basically forget this ever happened, as far as my mealplan. this is a HUGE step for me, as in the past i would have decided that this ruined my day, and i was only allowed a paltry few hundred more calories until the next day. i know rationally that this does not make sense-- the more i binge/purge, the more i seem to LOSE weight, so i really shouldn't be restricting... but in my disordered mind it is the only thing that can ease the intense anxiety/self-loathing following a binge/purge.

my nutritionist didn't answer her phone, and so, i decided to grant my own permission.

i had spoken with my friend earlier and had mentioned i was planning on making us chocolate cherry muffin cakes as a dessert (she had a giftcard to panera and had invited me out for dinner), so i went to whole foods to get some dried cherries... as if i was just continuing with my day... and came home and baked. oddly, the baking did not bother me... i was not triggered or tempted... it just seemed like an activity to do. just as i put the mini cakes in the oven, my friend called, and she was heading over.

after hanging out for a bit, we went to get dinner. i did not bring my camera with me, but i found a picture pretty close to what i had:

... but swap the soup in that picture for this one:

half turkey-artichoke panini, bowl of lowfat chicken tortilla soup, and a small apple
** 2 starch, 2 veg, 2 protein, 2 other, 1 fruit **

i'm not sure i was hungry for the apple, which i had last, but it was small and looked crisp, so i finished the meal with it.

after dinner, my friend and i picked up a movie and headed back to my place. we made tea and enjoyed these scrumptious chocolate-cherry muffins (although these are in no way "muffins"). i didn't feel too guilty eating it, as i could see that this was a reasonable portion, and i somehow managed to put today's slip behind me.

chocolate-cherry mini cake
** 2 starch, 1 other **

and so the day's totals, not including (ahem):

9.5 starch
6 protein
1 dairy
3 fruit
3 veg
7 other

besides the lack of dairy for my osteopenic bones, today was victorious.

leftovers

lunch came a bit early today, because i went for a 3-3.5 mile run (well actually, i walked most of the way back), and didn't have a mid-morning snack, because i really wasn't hungry before i left. so now i'm dining on leftovers. it's a good thing i liked this dish, because i thought it would make 3 servings (plus 3 that i froze, sans pasta!) but this is my 3rd time having it and i still have another portion in the fridge. #4 will be a bit boring, but it's healthy & homemade, and i'm poor, so i will eat it up tomorrow. i really like the anise seeds in the chicken sausage... ties the flavors together really well. i added some cottage cheese to bulk up the lunch so that i will stay on track for the day.

i think i was actually quite hungry for this lunch, as i'm already almost finished.

leftover whole wheat pasta w/ italian chicken sausage & roasted peppers, pear with 1/2 cup cottage cheese and a sprinkling of wheat germ
** 2 starches, 1 veg, 2 protein, 2 other, 1 fruit, 1 dairy **

hmmm i don't really know that the exchanges are right... originally i wrote 3 proteins but since the recipe ended up making more servings than i thought... oh well, it's probably not too off.

breakfast bowls

belle (the cat) woke me up at 7:30 this morning, as per usual. when i finally got out of bed at 8, belle and i were both ready for breakfast. tried a new fancy food out on belle, and the verdict? clean-plate! although belle does not have much of a problem in this area...

my breakfast: multigrain raisin spice oatmeal with a small sliced banana, and about 1.5T crunchy almond butter
** 2.5 starches, 1 fruit, 1 protein, 1 other **

belle's breakfast: weruva "grandma's chicken soup" with chicken, potato, pea, and carrot

the happy post-soup cat perched on one of her favorite resting spots

crunch munch crunch munch

so i'm watching wntw and i think, hmmm i want some popcorn. internal dialogue ensues...

me: no, you don't want popcorn... look at what you've had today, you should have a fruit, a starch...
me: but i feel like munching on popcorn.
me: gosh you should be ashamed of yourself.

(walks to the pantry, grabs a bag of popcorn, sticks bag in microwave)

when i'm in restrictive mode, i live on high-volume, low calorie foods-- veggies, popcorn, steamed shrimp, etc. but even when i'm not restricting, there's sometimes a fear that it won't feel like enough... and so these foods are still comforting in a way, even though fullness can be massively triggering as well... it's a trap! maybe one day when my body is used to being fed at regular intervals, this fear will go away.

and so, i proceed to eat:

bag of smartpop kettle korn
** 2.5 starch **

i felt full and disgusting, disappointed in myself for devouring so many empty calories... though i realize the caloric value is about the same as a clif bar.

but despite the fullness, now i wanted something crisp and healthy... so i ate an apple:

pinata apple
** 1 fruit **

and now i feel so full. it would be so easy to get rid of the apple, the popcorn... perhaps even some of dinner (my digestive track is quite slow) but i won't do that. looking at the totals...

9 starch
5 dairy
2.5 fruit
3 veg
5 protein
7 other

it's really not all that horrible, right?! it's actually (gasp) probably roughly the amount that my nutritionist would like me on right now... as in, every day... though perhaps weighted a bit more on the fruits/veggies (yeah yeah i know, the damn popcorn). i keep telling myself that my body is only trying to "catch up" when i eat a little extra, but inside i fear that i will just keep eating too much, too much... but i guess i really don't need to worry about that for a while...

chocolate!

finished my dinner with a square of uber fancy chocolate:

haut vosges 74% dominica noir
** 1 other **

omgsohungry!

ok so i said i don't really have hunger cues, and well, that's true for the most part... my hunger is very unreliable. but when i got home tonight @ 6:30 i needed. dinner. now. i had an odd craving for corn soup and a veggie burger, so that's what i cooked up (in about 3 minutes). perfect!

corn-vegetable soup, ezekiel english muffin with dr. praeger's veggie burger, provolone cheese, and ketchup
** 2 starch, 2 protein, 1 dairy, 2 veg, 2 other **

no plans for the night, but i am quite satisfied to sit on the couch, crochet, and watch whatnottowear. a friend called me on my way home and invited me to dinner for tomorrow, so i have something fun to look forward to.

morning!

i didn't sleep too well last night, but i woke up hungry and ready for breakfast. after a nice shower i put together breakfast:

mix pb puffins, heritage flakes, frozen blueberries, and soymilk... great combo!
** 2.5 starch, 1 dairy, .5 fruit **

packing lunch & snacks:

morning snack: "dark chocolate down under" wallaby yogurt - never tried this one before!
** 1 dairy, 1 other **

lunch: leftover whole wheat, sausage, and bell pepper pasta, and a pear cut with my insanely cute fruit cutter (cuts into 16 slices)
** 2 starch, 3 protein, 1 veg, 2 other, 1 fruit **

afternoon snack: friday latte day with friend at work! i'll probably get a grande soy latte with vanilla or hazelnut syrup =).
** 2 dairy, 1 other **

ok, finishing up this coffee and then off to work. i my new digital camera!

hi

hi there. i'm using this blog as a sort of food journal, since really, i have no idea how to eat intuitively. i'm hoping that posting publicly will push me to keep eating on days when i'd rather subsist on coffee and gum. so here i go...

i initially skipped breakfast (before i had the brilliant idea for this blog) and went to my weekly therapy appt, unfueled for the session. but when i got home i decided to break the no-breakfast trend i've been on, and made my favorite breakfast:

ezekiel english muffin, 2T maple almond butter, and sliced banana
(and some chamomile tea... not shown!)
** 2.5starch, 1 protein, 1 other, 1 fruit **

and then, since i'd been up late last night at DAR's concert, i took a nap. when i got up, i had a small pear:

** 1 fruit **

i didn't ever get hungry for lunch, but by 1:30 i decided it was late enough.

tastybite kashmir spinach w/ paneer, another english muffin (oops!), and bell pepper strips.
** 1.5 starch, 2 veg, 2 protein, 2 other **

and then i decided to go shopping for a new digital camera... the above pics (except the pear... that was taken later, after my purchase... so i lied, that was not the actual pear... but it was close!) are taken with my macbook camera, as my 2001 powershot finally died. so my old 2.1 mp is now a brandspanking new 8.1 digital elph - so cute!:
after my purchase, i ran a few errands, finally ending up at whole foods to buy ingredients for dinner. it was about 5 so i figured it was time for a snack...

1/2 a whole foods granola bar - pumpkin seeds, almonds, raisins, other good stuff
** 1 starch, 1 protein, 1 other **

once i got home it was fun-with-camera-time. and then i started on dinner... which i didn't end up eating until quarter after 8. but it ended up super yummy (despite not being hungry and having no clue how much to eat... but this looked about right for a serving):

whole wheat chiaccatore pasta (chiaccatore means snails, but no snails in this dish... just the shape of the pasta!) with roasted red, orange, and yellow peppers and sweet italian sausage. + a spinach/cucumber/tomato salad with a bit of lite annie's dressing.
** 3 protein, 2 starch, 2 veg, 2 other **

the peppers before roasting... so pretty!

and now it's 11:15. definitely not hungry, but not surprising given that i've already eaten way more today than the rest of this week... but i plodded along with my mealplan and made this snack, which i'm currently nibbling away at:

fage greek yogurt with dried turkish apricots and grapenuts
** 1 dairy, 1 fruit, 1 starch **

totals:
8 starch
1 dairy
3 fruit
4 veg
6 protein
6 other

overall, fantastic day - still slightly under what my mealplan calls for, but success in a huge way!