crunch munch crunch munch

so i'm watching wntw and i think, hmmm i want some popcorn. internal dialogue ensues...

me: no, you don't want popcorn... look at what you've had today, you should have a fruit, a starch...
me: but i feel like munching on popcorn.
me: gosh you should be ashamed of yourself.

(walks to the pantry, grabs a bag of popcorn, sticks bag in microwave)

when i'm in restrictive mode, i live on high-volume, low calorie foods-- veggies, popcorn, steamed shrimp, etc. but even when i'm not restricting, there's sometimes a fear that it won't feel like enough... and so these foods are still comforting in a way, even though fullness can be massively triggering as well... it's a trap! maybe one day when my body is used to being fed at regular intervals, this fear will go away.

and so, i proceed to eat:

bag of smartpop kettle korn
** 2.5 starch **

i felt full and disgusting, disappointed in myself for devouring so many empty calories... though i realize the caloric value is about the same as a clif bar.

but despite the fullness, now i wanted something crisp and healthy... so i ate an apple:

pinata apple
** 1 fruit **

and now i feel so full. it would be so easy to get rid of the apple, the popcorn... perhaps even some of dinner (my digestive track is quite slow) but i won't do that. looking at the totals...

9 starch
5 dairy
2.5 fruit
3 veg
5 protein
7 other

it's really not all that horrible, right?! it's actually (gasp) probably roughly the amount that my nutritionist would like me on right now... as in, every day... though perhaps weighted a bit more on the fruits/veggies (yeah yeah i know, the damn popcorn). i keep telling myself that my body is only trying to "catch up" when i eat a little extra, but inside i fear that i will just keep eating too much, too much... but i guess i really don't need to worry about that for a while...