presentation isn't everything

here's my kitchen table this morning. ok ok, it's really not all that disorganized...


check out my old-school phone... i finally get an upgrade next month.

i've calmed down quite a bit from last night. i woke up famished (despite my late dinner), and munched a granola bar before heading out in the... 65°! weather for a perfect run. i've been doing the treadmill thing lately, since it's been so darn hot, so this was wonderful. i really don't like the treadmill!

i'm relieved that i'm going to see my nutritionist this morning and then my therapist on thursday. i've made it through a lot of rough moments this week, and i'm ready for everything to slow down a notch. that being said, i think i've also grown stronger from surviving all the chaos.

wow.

today was one of the roughest days i've had in a long time. my day went from calm to stressed, and just when i thought i had everything down / anxiety back to a reasonably-stressed level, BAM, cat decides to pee in a box of important papers rather than her litterbox.

after some much needed coaching from my therapist, i decided that skipping dinner would not be the best way to deal with the chaos. so i sat down to this, which was waiting for me right before my cat decided to make my day just that much better...

"sante fe summer pot" (slightly modified) with shrimp/avocado/tomato/onion/jalapeno/corn/celery/cilantro/lime juice/cumin/coriander/tortilla chips...


it was good, but really it was just sort of... food to get me through the night. i'm so ready for the day to be over.

to blog or not to blog

open/closed-faced sandwiches... harvest grains bread, mustard/mayo, arugula, smoked turkey, avocado, baby carrots + bone-suckin' sauce

so i guess the question is... where do i go from here? do i keep up the blogging? or let this blog disappear as my former (deleted) one? i've lost much of the motivation to blog on a daily basis, and i think that happened as a result of 2 things: 1) gaining much more flexibility in my food/not so much needing a journal to track what i'm eating, and 2) feeling like i need to censor some of my still-quite-disordered and/or depressive thoughts to select readers, which kind of defeats the purpose of a recovery blog to begin with.

so... whereto from here?

lazy blogger

i know, i haven't been blogging much. i really just haven't felt like it. so i don't know where this blog is heading... i feel less of a need for it now, not that i don't still have struggles, but eating the "right amount" has become somewhat ::gasp:: intuitive! i'm not always OK with what i need... i question myself a lot... but i don't think i need to snap a picture and look at what i've eaten in a day to know what is appropriate.

i felt compelled to post tonight b/c i made a fab dinner: sweet potato, celery root, and black bean quesadillas. odd combo? well sweet potato and celery root go really well together... and i've had sweet potato-black bean quesadillas... and since i had bought both a sweet potato and a celery root at the store the other day, i figured it would be a good idea =). with sauteed onions and shredded dubliner cheese, topped with avocado, salsa, and greek yogurt...


time to read in bed...

colorful & summery

i haven't really felt like posting, or cooking lately.  tonight i wanted something easy, satisfying, and light & summery to match the southern heatwave.  i decided to make a surimi salald and stuff it in a pita.  i pretty much threw things in as i went along, not measuring anything, and it ended up delicious, although i forgot to pick up some cilantro, which would have made it even better...

this made plenty for 2 servings, and perhaps more than that:

• package flake-style surimi, shredded
• large stalk celery, diced
• 1/3 red onion, diced
• champagne mango, cubed (the small mangos)
• couple handfuls raisins
• some slivered almonds (how precise!)
• juice of a small orange
• tablespoon apple cider vinegar
• 1-2 tsp nuoc mam (vietnamese fish sauce)
• heaping tablespoon greek yogurt
• 2? tsp light mayo
• s & p

YUM!

wish i had some sorbet for dessert!

i took a half day today... i got up and just wasn't feeling it, and since i had an appointment @ 1, i decided to work until then, and take it easy the rest of the day.  i went to the bookstore and sipped on an iced coffee while reading, called a friend and caught up, and changed into loungepants at 5 =p.  i don't quite feel rested, since what i really need to catch up on is sleep, but i feel a bit more relaxed.  

once again, i'm feeling like i need more friends/more connection.  my nutritionist says it's a sign of where i am in recovery, where just figuring out the food piece isn't enough, and now i need something deeper.  i'm exploring meetup groups (to meet people for a hike or something) but i'm just so bad at pushing myself out there.  

worn out!

i was quite productive this morning...

put away clutter
cleaned litterbox
put away laundry, washed new load
cleaned kitchen, including:
cleaned out fridge of expired items, cleaned drawers
vacuumed floors/carpet
vacuumed couch (handheld vacuum)
mopped floors

... and now i'm exhausted. i forced myself to finish all that before breaking for lunch (or well, stopping... i'm done being productive for the day). i felt like i had a workout! by the time i was done (1:15), i neeeeeeeeeded lunch. i felt like something hot/filling, so i heated up one of those indian "tastybite" pouches:

punjab eggplant

... served alongside baby carrots and toasted pita:


i realized a dollop of plain yogurt would have been good on top... but not until i was about 3/4 through... so i didn't bother. i actually think this was kind of a puny lunch, especially after all that cleaning. i'm heading out in a few though, to the bookstore for some ME time without the cats, and i think i may splurge on a frappuccino .

i snapped this pic this morning, and love it. action shot! belle is just sitting there like, hmm?!


hope everyone is having a lovely weekend!

belle & sebastian

i can't resist... more pictures of the little terrors:

belle, the wise one--ha! (8 years):


and sebastian, aka crazykitty (6.5 months):


they almost look like they could be sisters! belle is maybe starting to tolerate sebastian...

i finally got some sleep last night. i was so tired after work yesterday, that i could barely think of anything to cook, but i still wanted a real meal. i had a ripe plantain that needed to be eaten, so i sauteed plantain slices with a bit of olive oil and sprinkled them with sea salt, nuked some frozen broccoli florets and topped them with ginger-chili sauce, and made a mini toasted veggieburger sandwich:


this left me hungry later, so i had a cup of hot chocolate AND a clifzbar. i was ok with that though, because i felt like i needed it. maybe this dinner was punier than usual?

mmmm... i'm excited to take the leftover plantain slices to work today for lunch =).

breakfast this morning was the usual almond butter/banana combo, served on a cinn-raisin english muffin with a side of nectarine & cherries:


and off to work i go. tgif.

breakfast, anyone?

breakfast is all i have time to post anymore! at least it's a lovely breakfast... peach, strawberries, banana/almond butter/pumpkin butter/full-fat cottage cheese, coffee.....


actually, i went out to dinner last night to bella monica, a cute italian/flatbread restaurant tucked away in a large shopping center. my friend and i shared the pear-gorgonzola-walnut salad (yummy, but the gorgonzola was weak!) and a fabulous flatbread with roasted eggplant, red peppers, pine nuts, tomato sauce, and mozzarella. mmmmmm. and i had a yummy glass of pinot grigio. 'twas a fun evening. later, my friend came over to play with the kitty, and then later another friend came over to play with the kitty.

alright, just enough time to check my work email, pack my lunch, and leave. this 2 cat thing is quite a challenge in the morning!

ha

i just found these 2 pics on blogger and realized i never posted this morning. not that it matters now, but here was my delicious breakfast. seems like i've only been posting breakfasts lately... but not to worry, there have been lots of other meals in there =).


g'night!

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (again)

in an attempt to not disturb the quarantined kitty further by going into my bedroom and getting my digital camera, i snapped this poor quality pic with my macbook camera:

• 1/3 c oat bran, 2/3 c water, 1/3 c vanilla soymilk
• tiny half of a banana (it was part brown so i had to cut that off)
• 1/2 cherry cashew PUREBAR (THANK YOU PUREBAR for the samples!!!!! i'll post a better pic with the rest of the bars later)
• handful dried cherries
• sprinkling pumpkin seeds
• teaspoon pumpkin butter
• spoonful almond butter

i woke up this morning to lots and lots of rain, and i decided that i neither wanted to run in the rain nor get out the umbrella and walk to the gym. so i stayed in bed. which would have meant some extra sleep but by that time i had let the kitty in....... i am feeling guilty for having not run, as my body image has been pretty crappy these days anyway. i have an appointment with my nutritionist in an hour though, so hopefully she can reassure me that once again, my weight hasn't really changed.

wow i really need a nap. i'm starting to feel slightly delirious from the lack of sleep these past few days. i'm totally stopping for more coffee on my way to work...

kitty, cont.

man o man kitties are hyper little things. i locked the kitty in the bathroom last night so that my cat could have reign over the bedroom, but the kitty started crying at around 2 or 3. luckily for me her cries are pretty quiet, but i felt so bad about shutting her out. at around 5 i kicked the cat out and let the kitty in, but that was a mistake, because the kitty just went hyperactive on me, jumping everywhere. so i kicked her back to the bathroom! she is going to be some work, but she is so darn cute. hopefully by the time she's 1 she'll be much calmer.

maybe it was from all the waking up, but i was starving when i got up this morning. and i knew just what i wanted... waffles + maple syrup.

with almond butter & banana, blueberries & raspberries

the kitty ate next to nothing yesterday, and threw up her antibiotics (getting over an upper respiratory infection) so i went out to the pet store yesterday to try to find the most enticing cat/kitty food. i got her "solid gold blended tuna"-- a favorite of my cat's but something i won't give to her too often because cats are best on non-fish proteins for the mostpart. and well, this was a huge hit. she finished off most of the 3 oz. can.

yeah, i spoil my kitties!

i'm not sure whether to confine the little monster to my bathroom, where i'm fairly sure she can't get into anything but isn't real happy, or let her into my bedroom as well, where there's a much higher risk of destruction. i may come home early to check on her...

meow.

a lot of posts today!

i just finished dinner at 6:22! i was hungry and figured there was no point in waiting for a certain "dinnertime." leftovers were even better than yesterday... i think the bacon/tomato had a chance to meld together and bring out the smokiness. super yum!

i put corn (raw/sweet) in my salad and tossed it with honey mustard vinaigrette.


this weekend was sort of bittersweet--

the sweet:

• KITTY!
• on track with food
• had a fun friday night with the group from work
• enjoyed chatting with my friend last night
• went for a nice run

the bitter:

• feel disconnected
• and sad
• and lonely
• and fat (but i'm dealing with this one OK because i know it's my period that is making me feel especially icky right now)
• really want a FRIEND to hang out with more often/who i feel comfortable talking to
• my cat hates the kitty (but i'm still hopefully that will change... i'm following all the expert advice to make them friends)

and so i'm both happy and sad to go back to work tomorrow. although eek, i'm scared about leaving the kitty alone for so long!

KITTY VIDEO!

serious sandwich

spinach-feta chicken sausage with extra feta & catsup on whole foods harvest grain bread, carrots.

and a piece of dark chocolate to complete the meal!

kitty kitty kitty

my friend was supposed to come over for dinner last night-- i was going to cook for her-- but then she wasn't feeling well, so i ended up cooking anyway. and THEN... just as i began eating, another friend called to say hi, and i asked if she had eaten (it was 7:30 by then) and she hadn't... which would have been perfect except i forgot that she was a vegetarian (oops!) and i had used bacon in the recipe... she came over later to talk and play with the kitty though .

anyway, i made a recipe i've been wanting to try for a while: cheese-gilded linguine with smoky tomatoes. i halved the recipe and used slightly less pasta, but i still have lots of leftovers. i think this was the first time i've cooked bacon, ever! the pasta was supposed to still look cheesy-- i tossed 6-7 oz. pasta with 1/2 c parm BEFORE adding on the sauce mixture (the key to the recipe)-- but the pasta kind of absorbed the cheese. maybe it was because i used spaghetti instead of linguine (i used whole wheat and didn't see whole wheat linguine at the store). oh well, it was still delicious.

served with a salad w/ cherry tomatoes and goddess dressing

and now, enjoying a leisurely yet early breakfast. i didnt sleep all that well last night, although i don't THINK it was the cat/kitten that woke me up. the kitty has been crying a bit when i leave her alone (she really wants to explore the apartment but my cat would eat her) but her cries are so soft that behind a closed door they aren't all that noticeable.

strawberries, blueberries, cinnamon-raisin english muffin, almond butter, pumpkin butter (on one), banana, cottage cheese. the basics!

not sure what i'm up to today. i think i'll go for a run (but perhaps inside?!?!) and i may invite my friend over if she's feeling better. i'm happy that it's sunday and i don't really have to do anything! except play with the kitty, of course!

belle. . . meet sebastian

belle:


and her new furry friend, sebastian:


(and some glamour shots)


sebastian is a girl, but i just could not resist having belle & sebastian as a pair - http://www.belleandsebastian.com if you didn't get the reference.

i'm pleased to discover that sebastian is extreeeeeeemely affectionate-- it was a bit difficult to tell with all of the other cats around. she's very excited to have so much attention. she's only 6.5 months now, and very cute!

i'm less pleased with the fact that belle hates sebastian, but the adoption specialists told me that would be the case for at least a couple of days, because i've brought someone new into HER space. belle has been hissing, even separated by a room and 10 feet from sebastian!

my biggest challenge will be how to feed sebastian, because she just nibbles, while belle scarfs. for now it's not a problem because i'm forced to quarantine sebastian from belle anyway... poor thing!

it feels a bit like a zoo in here...

and the company pays again. . .

so... a bunch of us went out to a tapas place for dinner after work. after a few minutes of deliberating about how we were going to order/divide up the bill, one woman, who is a director at our office, announces: ok, i'm making an executive decision. the company pays. and so, the 5 of us ended up ordering a ridiiiiiiiiiiculous amount of food. we went to the fabulous humble pie, and we ordered:

*Tempura Asparagus
sauteed red peppers, Asian ginger sauce, sesame seeds
*Spinach Tart
spinach, garlic, shallot, goat cheese, parmesan
*Fried Green Tomatoes
apple cider vinegar and bacon aioli, Swiss chard, bacon lardoons
*2 orders of: Tuna Tostada
marinated cabbage, rare seared ahi tuna, wasabi mayo, sweet soy, tobiko
*Shrimp and Grits
broth of the gods
*Oven Roasted Mahi Mahi
smoked gouda, potato au gratin, roasted red pepper-caper relish
*Seared Sea Scallops
creamy garlic polenta, grape tomato relish, basil verjus vinaigrettes, crispy shallots, cilantro, spicy Asian bbq, sirachi
*Chicken and Dumplings
*2 orders of: Chicken Enchiladas
corn tortilla, tomato sauce, queso fresco, lime sour cream, spinach chiffonade
*Braised Short Rib Tostadas
lettuce, tomato, lime, jalapeno, cilantro, chipotle mayo, charred salsa verdehick pea salsa, spinach chiffonade, sweet tomato and chipotle sauce

i picked the scallops, which were probably my favorite of everything, although i didn't try the short rib tostados or the chicken enchiladas. i did try everything else though! and while i feel like i ate slightly more than i would have at home, i don't feel stuffed, as i ate small portions of everything. plus i didn't order any alcohol (everyone else did), both because i felt wined out after 1.5 glasses on wednesday night (seriously!) and because i thought i might have just slightly less clarity if i had added alcohol on top of all the food. i did notice that a couple of the people ate a LOT (we finished almost everything!), and i think everyone had 2 drinks (margheritas/beers/wine). and i felt a bit odd in observing, because i felt completely satisfied after what i had eaten (and perhaps just a tad overful) and really wondered how eating more could have been a positive experience for the others, because it would not have been for me. i felt good actually, that i was able to listen to my hunger and respond to it appropriately.

afterwards, we dropped the international guests off at a bar to meet some others from work, and the 3 of us "boring people" decided to stop for water ice. i had just enough room for a kid's size, and it was a perfect end to the evening .

and now i am thinking about this kitten, which i am going to go visit tomorrow...

night!

no title for thursday

wow, my run was tough this morning! i'm guessing it was because i drank wine last night and no water... i always forget to drink water. my body image is... crappy?! right now, but i'm assuming/hoping it's b/c my period is on its way. i seriously hate my cycle.

i'm being good though, no skimping. my breakfast was a winner:

ezekiel sprouted english muffin, maranatha crunchy almond butter, banana, cottage cheese, kiwi + apricot

i think i may go to the farmer's market this weekend since i go through so. much. fruit!

i'm feeling "what next?" a lot these days. re: recovery, relationships, work, life... anyone else feel the same way?

since i haven't been taking lunch pics recently...

kalamata-artichoke hummus + sliced cucumber sandwich on oatmeal bread, pb pretzels (since the sandwich is rather wimpy/protein deficient), cherries

and an afternoon snack:

plain chobani, puffins & raisins to mix in

and now i'm late for work.