Saturday, January 31, 2009

1 step back, 2 steps forward

after lunch i started thinking about all the things i wanted to get done, but i realized i was actually quite tired (slept < 8 hrs. last night) and at around 1:15 my mind suddenly thought of this little treat:

whole foods granola bar
** 1 starch, 1 protein, 1 other **

... and so i ate it, and immediately following began to judge myself:

you didn't need this now. you weren't hungry. it's really not time for a snack.

but a rational voice did pipe in:

normal people sometimes have a snack simply because it tastes good... and a treat after lunch isn't all that abnormal.

i decided to quiet both voices by taking a nap. i woke up at around 2 feeling quite groggy. i then remembered the pre-nap granola bar scandal, and before i knew it, i was starting to eat. i need to remember the h.a.l.t. triggers (hungry/angry/lonely/tired), as both tired and groggy states are very vulnerable times for me. this sounds like crazy talk, but i honestly don't know how i got myself into the beginnings of a binge. about a 1/2 hour (and a box of cereal, milk, and other random foodstuffs) later, i went to go rid myself of the food, full of guilt and disgust. the binge was quite half-assed... i only continued with it out of panic & ritual, but i didn't really push myself (binges for me often last over an hour), and i got absolutely nothing positive out of it, nor out of the purge.

afterwards i was feeling pretty low, having broken my "health streak" so to speak, so i decided to call my nutritionist. i wanted permission to basically forget this ever happened, as far as my mealplan. this is a HUGE step for me, as in the past i would have decided that this ruined my day, and i was only allowed a paltry few hundred more calories until the next day. i know rationally that this does not make sense-- the more i binge/purge, the more i seem to LOSE weight, so i really shouldn't be restricting... but in my disordered mind it is the only thing that can ease the intense anxiety/self-loathing following a binge/purge.

my nutritionist didn't answer her phone, and so, i decided to grant my own permission.

i had spoken with my friend earlier and had mentioned i was planning on making us chocolate cherry muffin cakes as a dessert (she had a giftcard to panera and had invited me out for dinner), so i went to whole foods to get some dried cherries... as if i was just continuing with my day... and came home and baked. oddly, the baking did not bother me... i was not triggered or tempted... it just seemed like an activity to do. just as i put the mini cakes in the oven, my friend called, and she was heading over.

after hanging out for a bit, we went to get dinner. i did not bring my camera with me, but i found a picture pretty close to what i had:

... but swap the soup in that picture for this one:

half turkey-artichoke panini, bowl of lowfat chicken tortilla soup, and a small apple
** 2 starch, 2 veg, 2 protein, 2 other, 1 fruit **

i'm not sure i was hungry for the apple, which i had last, but it was small and looked crisp, so i finished the meal with it.

after dinner, my friend and i picked up a movie and headed back to my place. we made tea and enjoyed these scrumptious chocolate-cherry muffins (although these are in no way "muffins"). i didn't feel too guilty eating it, as i could see that this was a reasonable portion, and i somehow managed to put today's slip behind me.

chocolate-cherry mini cake
** 2 starch, 1 other **

and so the day's totals, not including (ahem):

9.5 starch
6 protein
1 dairy
3 fruit
3 veg
7 other

besides the lack of dairy for my osteopenic bones, today was victorious.

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