Thursday, April 30, 2009


i'm in a funk, and have been in one for the entire day. i have the urge to use symptoms to numb the negative feelings, but i know that won't really make me feel better. i was hungry and tired by the time i got home. i had 2 samoas from my cookie stash at work as an afternoon snack (those girl scout cookies apparently last a long time... preservatives?!), and apparently that didn't hold me over too well.

i started with this...

... and went back for about a third more. i'm not sure if it was hunger or not, but perhaps it was, as i was definitely quite hungry going into the meal. i'm telling myself it was hunger, anyway... because even if it wasn't, it's not enough "extra" to warrant any compensatory behaviors......

ugh, it feels so needy, but i am so glad that i am going to see my therapist tomorrow morning. i don't know how i would make it through these days without my weekly appointments. and i don't like that about myself.

all mixed up

my mood rather matches this bowl:
  • mix chobani / fage (i used part of the fage container yesterday for chicken salad)
  • kiwi
  • 4 strawberries
  • 1/2 banana
  • T flaxmeal
  • cranberries currants granola (more berries this time... getting to the bottom of the box!)
  • spoonful crunchy almond butter

i'm just feeling really mixed up on a lot of things. i didn't post my snack last night, nor do i have pics of my lunch today, because i just didn't feel like it. sorry! and i almost didn't post this bowl, either, but it really matched my mood quite well, and well, what i enjoy most about this blog is the support i receive through it.

i just want life to make sense / feel like it's not a constant struggle.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009


mmmmmmaple syrup. there is (almost) nothing better. this morning's fab breakfast:

flax waffle #1 with almond butter+banana, flax waffle #2 with almond butter+apple butter+candied walnuts, both drizzled w/ maple syrup, and an orange. plus a calcium pill (especially good this morning - no dairy! - i'm getting better at remembering to take it!)


for lunch i cut up the remaining defrosted chicken this morning and made a very quick chicken salad by adding a spoonful each of light mayo & plain greek yogurt, dried cranberries, pecans, s&p.

chicken salad to eat in toasted whole wheat pita + baby carrots + more beautiful local strawberries

once again i may or may not need my afternoon snack left @ work (strawb chobani, h2h). i've been really trying to listen to my hunger to decide if i need something or not. if i know i'm having a late dinner i will make it a point to have a snack (there are limits to the listening-to-the-hunger plan-- if i've had a normal-sized meal then i really don't want to wait more than 5 hours before eating again, and so i will have a snack if the next meal is not for a while) but it's OK to have a snack on some days and not on others, or extra snacks if i find myself extra hungry (as confirmed by c., the expert nutritionist!). tonight i'm meeting up with a friend after work for wed night "ladies special" - a $5 drink + meal-sized appetizer (hey, it's sexist, but i'll take advantage of it!), and so we will probably go from work and have a slightly early dinner.

happy humpday!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

bedtime before 10

i'm so tired i'm going to peace out super early. my lunch kept me so full that i bought a bagel & cream cheese @ whole foods (next door to the yarn shop) for dinner. i wanted something refreshing afterwards, so i had this bowl of delicious berries:

and then i went to bed. <-- this is how i used to sign every diary entry i wrote when i was like, 8.

new review:

cran lemon zest honest foods bar

(half of bar in picture)

i actually wasn't expecting so much from this one, only because the flavor sounded like it could go either way for me. but wow, was i wrong! this tasted like a fancy lemon square with a twist of cranberry. i had half of the bar before a run this morning. i will be buying these when i run out (which will be a while yet). puny as it may seem, i've found that i don't need much to carry me through a morning run, since i shower/make breakfast within a half hour of arriving home.

and my run was great. i was thrilled to feel a slight chill in the air as i ran-- it was 55° when i left.

today's breakfast made me appreciate both eating breakfast in the first place (it still feels NEW to me at times) and treating it like a real meal, as so many americans do not. the ED in me is sometimes intimidated when i see coworkers grab a granola bar or munch on some kix while saying "no time for breakfast," because i immediately compare the meager snack to my smorgasbord, but i know realistically those people are simply snacking later. i, however, respect breakfast .

today's plate:

ezekiel cinn-raisin english muffin, 1/2 with almond butter + banana, 1/2 with strawberry jam, remaining 1/2 of apple from yesterday's chicken salad, kiwi, side of cottage cheese

coffee in my pretty WPO cup (where i work, if you missed that one):

lovely lovely kiwi

last night's leftovers for lunch. i have class from 6:30-8:30 tonight so i'm thinking i may swap dinner for lunch and buy a bagel or something before class starts. i have yogurt/h2h left in the fridge @ work if i need a snack this afternoon, but i'm somehow doubting i'll want it. never know, though.

and that's all... got to pack up my crochet supplies!

Monday, April 27, 2009

mmmm best recipe ever...

= almond-crusted tempeh shepherd's pie w/ orange mashed yams. the yams were made by making a syrup made w/ butter, fresh orange juice&zest, lemon, and brown rice syrup. in the "pie" was sauteed onions, carrots, veg broth, tamari, wild rice & 3grain tempeh, new potatoes, frozen corn/peas, sage, thyme, and love. i made the entire ginormous recipe (but only half the yams) and made 3 stuffed bell peppers with half of the filling, which i promptly froze (i chose to do this because i figured that the potato topping wouldn't freeze, but bell peppers would freeze well). as much as i enjoy cooking, i really enjoy pulling homemade leftovers from the freezer and not having any cleanup to do. sorry, no pics of the peppers, but you'll see them eventually .

the lovely 1/2 pie, baked in a loaf pan...

i am totally making this recipe again. it was perfect.

the recipe is from the whole foods cookbook. i found adapted versions online, but not the entire recipe (a few sites just said "mashed yams," but what really made this special were the orange yams). guess you'll have to buy the book...

i didn't get to my afternoon snack today... just wasn't all that hungry for it. i did munch on a few carrot sticks while cooking dinner. and all i want now is a square of chili chocolate, plus some italian sparkling water (on sale for $.99/liter bottle at whole foods, so i bought 3).

off to read in bed!

mmmmmmm oat bran

this weekend flewwwwwwwwww by. but i don't mind going back to work too much. i decided a bowl of oat bran was long overdue...

in the pot:
  • 1/2 banana (ripe!), 1/3 c oat bran, 1/3 c water, 1/3 c vanilla soymilk
  • 1 medjool date
  • white chocolate chunks
  • salted peanuts
  • big spoonful maranatha almond butter

i toyed w/ the idea of using white chocolate wonderful, but really, i like the plain almond butter so much more. i'm thinking maybe i should bake something with the wcw that is feeling neglected in my pantry.

i whipped up a fun lunch out of leftovers from a while back... i defrosted a piece of breaded/baked chicken with apricot-almond-goat cheese filling... and tossed in some apple to make a crunchy pseudo chicken salad.

aforementioned chicken mixture, to serve in a toasted whole wheat pita, carrots

a strawberry chobani and some heart2heart for a snack...

i'm wearing my glasses today. my eyes were a bit itchy this morning (i think allergies have finally hit me) and i decided i'd rather not push it with contacts. i don't mind wearing my glasses all that much, as they are fairly cute (as cute as glasses can be for someone as blind as i am), and i paid $500 for them a couple years ago, so i might as well get my money's worth. i know a million people are going to ask me what happened to your eyes? though, and that's annoying.

i have an awesome dinner planned for later, so check back in 12 hours .

Sunday, April 26, 2009

few pics today!

i've eaten most of my food out today, so i have few pics. at coquette with the sis/bro-in-law, i had the eggs florentine (2 poached eggs with hollandaise sauce on top of spinach/tomato/bread) + a side of fruit (canteloupe, raspberries, blueberries. the restaurant was divine, and i can't wait to go back to try their apple-brie crepe...

i polished off my plate, and so i really didn't get hungry for a mid-afternoon snack.

i went out for sushi for dinner (on a DATE, eek!), and i was quite hungry. we shared edamame, a spider roll (w/ soft shelled crab) and a samurai roll (not sure what was in this but it was yummy!). i felt like i ate just the right amount, without really trying .

just now i wanted something creamy, so i had...

remaining 1/2 of chobani peach with 3 juicy strawberries. i bought more of these local strawberries today... just can't get enough!

sunday sunday

last night was interesting. after a lovely evening out w/ my friend f., i was actually itching to get home... i just wasn't in a people mood. my friend and i went to tropical smoothie cafe for a casual dinner, and i was pleasantly surprised with the freshness of their food. i had a toasted buffalo chicken wrap, which was nice and spicy, with chicken breast, lettuce, tomatoes, mozzarella, buffalo sauce, and light ranch. afterwards, we had WATER ICE (i had mint-chip) and then went to the rose garden nearby, as it was too beautiful outside to go back in. so i had a nice time, i just needed some solitude afterwards. i started getting all worked up about the swine flu and just the fragility of life... happens to me every once in a while... but it's not helpful to live in fear.

i'm going to brunch at coquette, and i'm super excited because i've only been there for a cup of coffee, and i've heard rave reviews. i'm happy that my sister wants to go at 1, because that way there is no planning around meals... i just treat it like lunch.

i just finished this palate-pleasing breakfast:

1/2 wallaby vanilla (leftover from yesterday) + 1/2 peach chobani + zōe's granola + strawberries, maple-cinn waffle with almond butter, pumpkin butter, banana

(the yogurt was hiding)


Saturday, April 25, 2009


at around 10, i started craving a snack. i don't usually have a mid-morning snack, but then again, i usually have a snack before my runs (i ran after breakfast today). so i guess this made sense.

i had the rest of my morning coffee with a bit of vanilla soymilk, and an orange, while watching tv:

by 12:20 i was seriously hungry! i feel good today-- i am able to listen to my body and feel comfortable about my choices. i made a fun lunch:

toasted sliced-egg sandwich (1.5 hardboiled eggs, s&p, light mayo, herbed greens), carrots, tomatoes, and newman's own hi-protein pretzels (yum!)

i didn't plan this perfect bite, but when it happened, i had to take a picture...

off to... um, i don't know what i'm off to do!

high of 90?!

damn, summer is a comin' quick! i'm not happy about a high of 90° today, because if i want a pleasant run, i have to go soon... and i don't like to run immediately following 16 oz. of coffee.

last night's "2nd dinner" - froyo (along with more HOUSE and a cluttered table of crochet supplies).

not sure why house was close to death in this scene... i had just turned the show on and a few minutes later house was fine and standing in front of a bunch of med students who were debating some moral medical issue... i think house was representing the patient in said issue

this was close to 1/2 the pint, and i ended up eating around 2/3 the pint... which was really only around 300 calories total... but apparently the morning's slip almost gave me permission to slip up again, so i purged during a commercial break =(. which was dumb, because i ended up hungry an hour later and had a granola bar. it's amazing to me that i can go multiple weeks without acting on symptoms, and then bam, 1 slip leads to a second the same day or in a very short span of time.

i'm often really bad at resetting myself the same day (as you can see) but i feel pretty good about today... i started out the day well and don't foresee any problems continuing that way.

i feel like i need to say "sorry" when i write about slips, and i even debated not including this one, but i cannot start lying or hiding. this blog is for openness, period.

breakfast was quite calm, actually, and i get to show off a new mug - a gift from my company! i like it very much.

ezekiel 4:9 english muffin, 1/2 with maranatha almond butter & banana, other 1/2 with almond butter, pumpkin butter, candied walnuts, strawberries & 1/2 of a wallaby vanilla yogurt

wow, i am sweating already. i want spring back!

Friday, April 24, 2009


this dinner, that is:

rest of leftover brussel sprouts w/ raisins & sunflower seeds (eaten cold), italian chicken sausage on a whole wheat bun w/ catsup

this did not fill me up. . . i am still feeling hungry and craving more (sweet potato fries or something would have been good). i think i'll clean up and may make up for this puny dinner in fro-yo form...

my hunger was totally off today... due to this morning's stupid decision breakfast mishap i ended up STARVING by 11 a.m. i had trouble concentrating in a meeting from 11-12, and i thought about how this was how i used to feel EVERY DAY, since i would skip breakfast 95% of the time. i got my lunch @ 12:15, and, because i was super hungry (and it wasn't a particularly big lunch to begin with), i added on the baggie of bunny grahams that i've been saying i would eat for the past three days. in a way, this was validation that i am really probably not overeating (duh, right?), because i know i needed more than what i had.

for latte day, i got a caramel macchiato with an extra shot of vanilla (my friend/coworker's yummy suggestion).

after work, my friend and i went out for drinks, and i had a mojito. the drink was nice and the company was even nicer .

ok, cleanup time, and then dessert or something to calm this hunger of mine...


my new favorite show = HOUSE. i enjoyed it with a cup of strawberries last night.

and before bed i wanted something salty/starchy, so i had about 10 mini pretzels. must have been the beer...

i am ridiculously full right now. this breakfast may not look huge, but it was a lot of cereal, and the mango filled me up. i know, it was all healthy and probably not unreasonable, but i'm much more uncomfortable than i usually am after breakfast.

kashi vanilla island crunch + heritage flakes + frozen cherries + vanilla soymilk, and a champagne mango

lunch is packed:

sliced egg, herbed greens, s&p, light mayo on harvest grains bread

packed w/ veggies:

and an afternoon latte as per the friday tradition...

wow, i am really uncomfortable right now.

OOH! peanuts smilies!
Peanut Character Smilies Peanut Character Smilies Peanut Character Smilies Peanut Character Smilies Peanut Character Smilies Peanut Character Smilies Peanut Character Smilies Peanut Character Smilies Peanut Character Smilies Peanut Character Smilies

in order: woodstock, lucy, sally, linus, franklin, snoopy, marcie, peppermint patty, pigpen, schroeder

EDIT: i was just chatting with a girl online who i honestly probably should not be talking to... she's very much NOT in recovery and has no desire to be, really... and i tell her that i'm feeling overly full from breakfast... and she says:

i dunno i just dont get why you sometimes force yourself to eat even though ur not hungry doesnt make sense to me

and i sat with that for a few minutes until i couldn't take it any longer, and then i purged at least half of breakfast. sorry k, i don't need to hear this sh**.