just another day, really

breakfast feels... somehow different this morning. looking back on yesterday morning, everything seemed so familiar, habitual even. i was doing just fine without the training wheels, damnit. really though, having a slip last night doesn't mean anything... as my therapist says, "significant yet inconsequential." while this was a bit of a wake up call to me that recovery is an active process, and one that i will probably be working on for a good while, it doesn't change how i've been doing or the skills that i've gained.

and some proof:

• i'm not anxious for breakfast. though it feels slightly different, i picked what i wanted to have, and i'm eating as like any other morning. so perhaps it feels both different and the same (whoa, dialectics)
• i don't feel like i need any real "help" today as far as the meal plan... in the past i might have "grabbed onto a handrail" (another treatment expression) and followed a more rigid plan (counting exchanges and all that) but i honestly don't feel that i need that right now
• as far as weight goes, i know and believe that the slip had no effect
• i still really don't like this 365 french roast

on my plate:

ezekiel 4:9 english muffin w/ almond butter + banana, large pear with a couple T of cottage cheese

i feel very full right now, but it's probably just because my body was slightly tricked as far as hunger/satiety.

lunch/snack includes some free chobani!

lunch: egg-salmon salad to stuff in toasted whole wheat pita pockets, + carrots
snack: chobani blueberry + 1/2 c heart2heart

i think what i'm feeling most of all right now is sadness. for some reason, the "5 stages of grief" come to mind, and i've never used these before or even really learned about them... unless you count via homer simpson:

After eating a blow fish that has the deadly nerve toxic, Dr Hibbert advises Homer that he is dying and will go thought 5 stages of grief:

Dr. Hibbert: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.
Homer: No way! Because I'm not dying!
Dr. Hibbert: The second is anger.
Homer: Why you little!
Dr. Hibbert: After that comes fear.
Homer: What's after fear? What's after fear?
Dr. Hibbert: Bargaining.
Homer: Doc, you gotta get me out of this! I'll make it worth your while!
Dr. Hibbert: Finally, acceptance.
Homer: Well, we all gotta go sometime.
Dr. Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.

in some ways, these stages are fitting for how i'm feeling right now. i looked these up online (though homer did a fairly good job in defining each stage...):

1. denial/isolation. we tend to deny the loss has taken place...

• for a moment, i was here... i didn't want to believe that i had so quickly slipped back into the disorder after so many successes

2. anger. the inflicted person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt, or at the world. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.

• this is how i was feeling for most of the evening after the slip. in fact, i'm fairly sure that the self-directed anger following slip #1 resulted in slip #2

3. bargaining. the grieving person may make bargains, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"

• i definitely have some bargaining going on right now. i'm telling myself that if i just get through meal 1, meal 2, meal 3, will it please get less scary / can i please feel less vulnerable?

4. depression. the person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath

• here's where i am right now. to the T.

5. acceptance. this is when the anger, sadness, and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

• i hope to get to this place, although i think this also applies to the entire disorder as well as any specific slip. i have not accepted how much the disorder has in some ways "taken from me," and so i am still filled with a mix of anger, sadness, grief, and guilt.

i feel like i should be ending this post with something deep, but i don't have anything else to say. and maybe that's good... it's just another day. and now i'm late for work.