=/

i was debating going to my sister's for dinner tonight (she's about 35 min away) but i decided i'd rather relax at home. plus i had promised my group at work that i'd make something for our breakfast tomorrow morning. and i was going to ditch those plans and buy something instead, but then a bunch of people at work today were like "oooh i can't wait to see what rebecca is baking for us..." so i felt kind of obligated at that point...

i felt a bit hungry so i munched on carrots:


... and then baked up some mean mini zucchini loaves before dinner:

lots and lots of yellow squash and green zucchini, turning into...

4 cute loaves! although i'm keeping one at home for me.

by the time i had finished (including vacuuming because i had spilled fennel seeds while baking), i was ready for leftovers. or so i thought. i discovered an old time acquaintance is getting married, and it just brought up too much. i feel like i've wasted so much of my life on this ed, and because of it, i'm not anything anyone would want. i hurt to think of a life spent by myself, but i honestly can't picture myself finding someone either. i want a partner/best friend, a family... but i feel like it's never going to happen to me.

so this dinner was not very enjoyable...

(even if it looks pretty)

i had a slice of the zucchini bread while talking to my mom on the phone (so no picture), and later, a small square of dark chocolate, which i ate almost for self-punishment because i knew it would only make me feel guilty. i had a strong urge to throw this dinner down the garbage disposal after eating a few bites, and then another urge to binge/purge afterwards, as getting rid of the dinner and numbing out my emotions would have been quite the relief. it wouldn't have made anything better, and i know that (which is probably why i am sobbing away right now rather than escaping into the ed), but it would have provided a distraction and a false sense of security. and honestly, i don't know what i'd rather feel right now.

i'm not totalling anything up right now because-- a) i know i ate fine today and b) it would be triggering as hell. i had an urge to go for a run, too, but i know this just would be another form of purging. i made a running "budget" with my nutritionist today-- 10 miles/week-- because i need to make sure this stays at a moderate level.

i think i'm going to go to bed.