monday, monday...

i failed will be gentle with myself tonight. it is amazing that it is now so clear at times why i use the disorder. i can't say that i was expecting to slip, and yes, i am disappointed with myself, but i can see WHY it happened. i'm stressed about work, and because of that i have neglected taking care of myself. i went into the workweek with a messy apartment and general feeling of disorder, despite having worked for several hours on sunday afternoon. add to that poor body image, likely caused at least in part by my period, which finally arrived today, and there we have it, vulnerability.

i'm trying REALLY hard not to punish myself right now. i could just be angry at myself, but what good would it do?

i was working outside until about 4. i had munched on some pretzels at 3. at around 3:30 the maintenance started using some sort of leaf? blower right outside my balcony, and i was getting irritated by the noise. i finally moved inside when, as luck has it, the maintenance moved inside as well, to vacuuming the hallway, and i guess the walls must be paper thin because it was LOUD. i started getting a headache, so i went into my room, shut the door, put the blanket over my head, and slept for about a half hour. when i woke up i felt guilty for not working, ate a few carrots, and... blur. deal-with-it-all-via-disorder-mode. really, it did not deal with anything, and that almost made me mad. because there was a time when it sort of worked, damnit. so from there i decided i was allowed to turn the page. i went out and bought some fruit and yogurt and other non-exciting and non-threatening things at the store, and then i decided i could have a simple dinner. because it wouldn't make sense to skip dinner, right?! right. but apparently i didn't have the confidence in feeling that i could have a normal dinner, and well, slip #2 within 4 hours.

i called my therapist after that. it was comforting to talk to her, tell on myself, hear that i didn't ruin my recovery.

i could do some more work now, but i think instead i will go to bed.

oh and, i thought about not writing about all this... skipping over the day and hoping no one would notice, but i haven't omitted anything thus far, so really, why should i start? i'm here to be honest.