same but different

my nutritionist often reminds me now that when i have symptoms, they may appear on the surface the same as in the past when i was entrenched in my disorder, but they are actually quite different. yesterday, AFTER receiving a clean bill of health from my dentist (no cavities, strong teeth!) i slipped up (binged/purged).... but at around 8 p.m. i suddenly felt famished. i knew i hadn't really had dinner, and there was a time when i wouldn't have even contemplated it. but i decided to pretend-- as far as my nutritional needs-- that nothing had happened, and that meant that the next step was to have dinner. so i quickly prepared this:

"tastybite " madras lentils + spoonful chobani, ezekiel sprouted grain english muffin, carrots, bell pepper

later, i had a peach... and a square of chocolate (not pictured!)...


i do not want to forget or ignore the fact that i used symptoms, but what is important-- and different than the past-- is that i am able to jump right back into recovery work. i definitely had a lot of guilt while eating dinner last night, as if i really shouldn't have allowed myself... but i know where that judgmental thinking gets me...

i woke up sleepy this morning, but wanted to stick with the concept that recovery is an active process and that a slip does not have to mean a step backwards, so i got up and went for a run as i had planned. i had 2 medjool dates before i left for a sweet boost of energy. turns out dates actually have fiber, potassium, and calcium, among other things (i figured i was only getting sugar).

my run was challenging, but rewarding. i made my breakfast on a dinner plate this morning, and for a moment stopped to question whether this was too much food. i often ask myself if "normal people" eat breakfasts like this... but then i remember that it doesn't really matter. a hearty breakfast has been working for me, and thus far has not made me fat .

ezekiel english muffin (i eat a LOT of these!) w/ almond butter + banana, cottage cheese, strawberries & cherries

my cat has been enjoying the view... that's the top of my fridge to the right, so yup, she's up pretty high!


off to see my therapist to process all this even more. and... it's FRIDAY (afternoon) LATTE DAY! it's been weeks since my friend at work and i have been able to do this, since one or both of us have been out, so i'm looking forward to it!