Monday, May 4, 2009


... on the posts. i'm just really confused about everything right now, and that includes the blog. but my dinner salad was so good (and fairly creative, i think!) so i have to share:
  • herbed greens (baby greens w/ cilantro, parsley, dill mixed in)
  • fresh kernels from an ear of corn
  • 4 strawberries
  • large handful blackberries
  • aged gouda... roughly an oz.
  • probably 1/3 cup or so cottage cheese
  • dr. praeger's california burger, heated/cooled slightly
  • 4 or so candied walnuts crushed over top

as usual, i panicked slightly at the volume and did some quick calculations... and again as usual, i realized everything was quite reasonable. i just had my starch + veggie + protein + fat all in one, with a lot of bulky ingredients, rather than separate components to the meal.

i was quite hungry for this meal and i feel quite out of it... going to bed at 12:30 or 12:45 or whenever i hit the pillow... does not make for a fun day at work. but actually, i was quite productive today.

my body image is terrible right now. my pants are so much tighter than they used to be... i've definitely gained weight in the past couple of weeks (yes, c., i have... just wait for my weigh-in tomorrow!) and i'm just starting to freak out. life would be better if i was THIN again, right? no, i don't really believe this, but just as some days i'm sick of fighting, sometimes i just feel like it would be easier to go back to when i knew what my pain looked like. i almost did not want to go out yesterday because i felt so disgusted with my body. i often hate getting dressed in the morning, although today was a bit easier (i very intentionally chose an elastic waist skirt, which happens to be cute as well). my body image distress has been on my mind much more in the past week, and it just seeps into everything... i got up this morning thinking i might run (on 5 hours of sleep?!), with the sole purpose of burning some extra calories. i ate 1/2 of an honest foods almond trail mix bar... but it was so yummy (thanks honest foods =p) i ended up eating the whole thing. feeling defeated (whole bar = 210 calories... really not a big deal i know i know!) i decided to skip the run (probably a wise decision), go back to bed (definitely a wise decision) and skip a real breakfast (what do you think?!). i brought coffee with me to work, which brought back memories of nursing a cup of caffeine for my breakfast while running daily reports. i didn't actually get all that hungry until lunchtime, but i was probably too tired and emotional to have felt hunger anyway.

i'm scared of writing too much, so i think i will go step away from the computer for a while... sorry to be a downer...


  1. Don't worry about being a "downer." Just be you. There's nothing wrong with going through hard times; we all do. You can make it through this, though. I know it sucks, I know it's hard, and I know there are all kind of nice-sounding reasons to go back to the ED... but I also know that YOU know that it's not worth it. Life wouldn't be better if you were thinner. It would be the same, except you'd look different and probably feel like shit all the time. ;)

    ilu. keep truckin'

  2. Write as much as you want. I'm glad you are working through your thoughts. I agree that in times like these you just have to keep reminding yourself that you don't want to go back there. There may have been some comfortable aspects of it but otherwise, it only brings misery. Could there be something else going on that is making you turn on your body as a result? the book I just read was saying that this behaviour is a symptom of a bigger problem. It's easy to use the disorder as a way to escape something more difficult to understand. How are you really feeling? Maybe you are bored, or lonely, or frustrated.. I don't know but it's worth considering. This book was saying that whenever we want to turn to our old behaviours we are best to ask ourselves why. Why would we rather turn back. There is something, some feeling, we are avoiding.

    I know you can get through this. You've been fighting so hard. It's not easy. you are doing great.

    I hope you get a better sleep tonight. Lack of sleep is a huge trigger for me. It's so difficult to function at all without proper sleep.