@#$%^&~!

for most people, a stomach bug is no big deal in the grand scheme of things. eat bland foods for a few days and then (intuitively) eat a bit more afterwards. back to normal. but for me, recovering from an eating disorder, this is freaking me out.

last night i ended up eating a few more pieces of pretzel, and then at around 9 i was hungry so ate the 2nd half of my veggie sandwich i had packed for lunch. and then i felt not great but not terrible, but just... blah. all of a sudden it reminded me of days when i'd come home, not really eat a normal dinner (after having not eaten a normal lunch...), and just not know what to do with myself. and last night i felt like that. i didn't want to read, or crochet, or watch tv, or read blogs... and i suddenly had an urge to use symptoms. it was the first i've had in a few weeks now. the ed voice reasoned (insanely) that it would make things not so blah (well that's true, in a way...), and that i could negate some of the calories for dinner (which i definitely needed, having skipped most of lunch). this is NOT what i want, and i was honestly surprised to have these thoughts. and then i wondered... perhaps biology is THAT strong. perhaps a combination of a history of an eating disorder and a couple days of slight (though not intentional) restriction due to my stomach bug has brought up these thoughts.

i ended up going to bed at... 8:15! last night. because i really was that tired and because i just wanted to turn the lights out for the day. i woke up briefly at 12 and then 4 but was pretty much able to sleep through. i woke up HUNGRY at 5:30 and just wanted cereal. so i made this (in a new orla kiely bowl purchased from target over the weekend):

pb puffins, heritage flakes, frozen blueberries, soymilk
** 2 starch, 1 fruit, 1 dairy **

but an hour later i was feeling icky again. so maybe cereal wasn't the best choice. for lunch i packed what is normally my favorite-- almond butter & banana-- thinking something more calorie-dense would be good at the mo', but i couldn't get myself to pack anything with it or for snacks. it's friday so that normally means latte day! with my friend at work, but i'm thinking that's probably not the best idea either. oh and i haven't had any coffee today-- at least yet-- because i know that's harsh on the tummy, but i will become coma-like by 2p.m. if i don't at least have a small cup.

** 3 starch, 1 protein, 1 other, 1 fruit **

ugh i just want to be back to normal.