musings at lunchtime

i've been very hungry today. i think i'm about to get my period, so that makes sense that i might be a bit hungrier (and/or because i was sick last week and wasn't able to eat as much).

i was so ready for lunch when i got out of a meeting today, at 12:30. it was then that i suddenly had an internal dialogue, and only afterwards i realized how differently this dialogue would have gone were it not for my eating disorder. let's start with a non-disordered person:

self: wow, i'm starving
self: i'm going to go eat lunch now
self: thanks.
self: no problem, we're a good team.

but here's how my dialogue went:

self: wow, i'm starving
self: well, what should i do about that?
self: well you tell me.
self: oh yeah! i get to go eat lunch!
self: thanks!
self: welcome. this is strange, but i like it!

and so i went and got my lunch. it wasn't as if i felt guilty while eating... i didn't really question whether i was going to eat or not... but the idea that eating is the natural solution to hunger is still not an intuitive one. i've spent much more of my adult life restricting than actually allowing myself to eat normally, so it sometimes feels like i'm giving myself something extra special each time i eat a normal meal. and sometimes i don't feel like i deserve that.

after an exhilarating run outside in 60° weather, i'm off to an impromptu dinner at LILLY'S with a friend from work. she was asked to take out an employee visiting from our UK office, and so she asked me to join... so that means our meal is on the company . yay!