and some proof:
- i'm not anxious for breakfast. though it feels slightly different, i picked what i wanted to have, and i'm eating as like any other morning. so perhaps it feels both different and the same (whoa, dialectics)
- i don't feel like i need any real "help" today as far as the meal plan... in the past i might have "grabbed onto a handrail" (another treatment expression) and followed a more rigid plan (counting exchanges and all that) but i honestly don't feel that i need that right now
- as far as weight goes, i know and believe that the slip had no effect
- i still really don't like this 365 french roast
i feel very full right now, but it's probably just because my body was slightly tricked as far as hunger/satiety.
lunch/snack includes some free chobani!
snack: chobani blueberry + 1/2 c heart2heart
in some ways, these stages are fitting for how i'm feeling right now. i looked these up online (though homer did a fairly good job in defining each stage...):
After eating a blow fish that has the deadly nerve toxic, Dr Hibbert advises Homer that he is dying and will go thought 5 stages of grief:
Dr. Hibbert: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.
Homer: No way! Because I'm not dying!
Dr. Hibbert: The second is anger.
Homer: Why you little!
Dr. Hibbert: After that comes fear.
Homer: What's after fear? What's after fear?
Dr. Hibbert: Bargaining.
Homer: Doc, you gotta get me out of this! I'll make it worth your while!
Dr. Hibbert: Finally, acceptance.
Homer: Well, we all gotta go sometime.
Dr. Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.
1. denial/isolation. we tend to deny the loss has taken place...
- for a moment, i was here... i didn't want to believe that i had so quickly slipped back into the disorder after so many successes
- this is how i was feeling for most of the evening after the slip. in fact, i'm fairly sure that the self-directed anger following slip #1 resulted in slip #2
- i definitely have some bargaining going on right now. i'm telling myself that if i just get through meal 1, meal 2, meal 3, will it please get less scary / can i please feel less vulnerable?
- here's where i am right now. to the T.
- i hope to get to this place, although i think this also applies to the entire disorder as well as any specific slip. i have not accepted how much the disorder has in some ways "taken from me," and so i am still filled with a mix of anger, sadness, grief, and guilt.