Friday, April 17, 2009

what now?

i'm scared at this point of my recovery. all of a sudden (really) bad body image has hit me in the face. i can tell that i've gained more weight, as some of my jeans now JUST fit. i've also been feeling FULLER lately, less hungry for meals, and so it's possible that my meals need some fine tuning, but i doubt that c. (my nutritionist) would want me to cut back by much. sometimes i think it would be so much easier to be THIN again, but i need to battle those thoughts.

all my food seems like too much today, but really, i'm sure it's not...

ezekiel cinn-raisin english muffin, 1/2 with almond butter and banana slices, 1/2 with pumpkin butter, 1 date, and 1 candied walnut, cottage cheese with flax seed and more banana

for lunch, another turkey sandwich, to try to use up the deli meat:

2 mini sandwiches, with honey-maple turkey, emmentaler cheese, herbed greens, mustard, light mayo

... and the rest of the bell pepper from earlier this week.

and a latte for the afternoon, because it's friday, of course!

today is going to be a rough day, i know it already. i'm already looking at this and thinking... well mayyyybe i don't need that whole sandwich. i haven't restricted since i STARTED THIS BLOG, and it's not the time to start.


  1. You are doing really well. I hope it helps even to write it here and get it out. It forces you to think about it rather than just react to the feeling.
    One thing I`ve noticed lately is that it is an automatic thing for me to turn on myself and turn to my disorder when an unpleasant feeling comes or when I feel anxiety. Is this possible for you? Is there something that`s bothering you, you are nervous about?
    You are doing your body good by eating such nutritious and balanced foods. Sometimes we just have to trust that. You are doing a great job.
    Enjoy your day.

  2. amazing job at not restricting, and just remember that it will end up with a negative outcome, and your metabolism will slow down again, just eat what you're eating! and it's not big at all it looks perfect, just be happy :) and your coffee looks incredible once again ahh yum :P

  3. great job with battling those negative thoughts! I do the same thing, in phases. Several months ago I dropped my calorie intake to like 1200 a day, PLUS I was running. I tried again about a month ago, but fortunately I'm at the point in my recovery where I can tell myself "can you stop being so crazy, please? Just go eat a sandwich!" Recovery is so frustrating. When I gained my weight back, it caused my self image to go spiraling down. But keep at it and I promise you will feel better. Keep doing what you did today. Tell yourself you're doing great, because you are!

  4. dear god, no, it's NEVER a time to start restricting! you've been doing so well that ED is itching and scratching like a mad dog right now. it's only a rough day when you LET it. you are definitely in control here, you CAN overcome any temptations! hold on there, girl!
    oh, and thanks for trying out my croquettes! I'm so glad you liked it! so you chose blue cheese instead of mozzarella! yummy, right?

  5. thanks everyone! i agree... it is NOT (nor will there ever be) a time to start restricting.

    burpandslurp... actually i made 1/2 of the croquettes with emmentaler cheese (type of swiss), and they were really yummy. although i stuck the leftover croquettes in the freezer and mixed em all up so i have no idea which is which =).