Wednesday, April 8, 2009

recovery is . . .

  • bumpy
  • messy
  • a process
recovery is not THIS.

videos like a&e's intervention just further the notion that eating disorders are purely a choice, and that once patients realize their "mistake" and get into therapy, all will be well, and the disorder will be a thing of the past. well let me tell you... if this was strictly a choice, i'd have recovered many many (many) years ago.

i've been nothing but 100% honest on this blog, and so that means i feel compelled to share the good with the bad. i've been crying tonight, because, after almost 4 weeks "symptom free" (as we like to say in treatment), i slipped up, tried to get back on track, and slipped up again. i am feeling raw and hurt and disappointed and confused and angry and messy. i really can't process it all right now, so i will keep this short. what i do know is that, as hard as it is, i have to be gentle with myself. and while it would be easy to berate myself for this slip, what i really need is a dose of reality: i have had so many GOOD days and one not so good. there was a time, not all that long ago, when i had many more bad days than good... i've come a long way. in a way, tonight validated the fact that this has been hard work all along, and that this is an active process, every day, even on "good days" when it doesn't seem all that difficult.


  1. Being honest with how you are feeling is such a great thing to do for yourself. You've been a huge help to me since I started reading your blog because of your strength and honesty. You are doing fantastic.

    I look at it like this: an olympic athlete trains for years for their event. Sometimes in practice they fall, they have a bad run, they lose their balance, etc. But they get up and they try again because they improve every single time they try. If they only practiced their event one time and never slipped up that would hardly prepare them for their one chance at the actual olympics. So you got snagged on a little pebble, it doesn't have to stop you from getting to the finish line.

    Have a nice restful sleep. I for one and really proud of your and how well you do every day.

  2. thank you susie, this really really helps. <3

  3. I wish I could say something more supportive, but Susie said it all. don't forget to forgive yourself, and move on. and like you said, this slight relapse actually shows you how well you're doing. today doesn't change that. I hope you have a nice day tomorrow.

  4. you had four WEEKS of awesomeness -- even though i know it sucks to have setbacks it is still an amazing accomplishment and i am proud of you. you will use the tools you have to get back on track - i know it. xxxooo

  5. i'm slowly learning that if you aren;t honest to everyone else, you are definitely not honest to yourself.. and thats not what recovery is.