Friday, February 27, 2009


after my snack, i still felt oddly empty. maybe i was confused, but i thought i actually felt hungry. i went into the kitchen to look for something i might be OK with, and chose something that i actually wasn't OK with, almost as if to give myself permission to purge afterwards. i ate a bag of kettle chips that i got free from work-- approx. 225 calories in the bag-- and immediately afterwards felt horrible. dirty, disgusting, repulsive. i did/do NOT want to purge the lovely dinner i had eaten, but i feel stuck and awful. i am scared that i will want to make up for this tomorrow and restrict. i cannot rationalize anything right now. tears are streaming down my face. i am crying over 225 calories worth of potato chips. of course i know it's not really about the chips. i don't think i've ever been this emotional while fighting my disorder, but in the past i probably would have succombed to the disorder by now rather than fight so hard.

edit: 10:24 p.m. and still fighting, still strong. i will not allow the disorder to win tonight.


  1. You can get through this. the rational you knows that this is a tiny little blip and not worth agonizing over. something else is going on here and it's not about the food. Hang in there, stay strong. Reverting back to old behaviours will not make you feel better and you know this. can you read back on some old posts where you were doing really well? that's what I'm doing right now actually, trying to figure this all out and keep on going. You are doing so well. Have a tea, a hot bath, meditate, do some stretching, do something for you that you enjoy. Take care.

  2. thank you. i am still hanging in there (well i'm about to go to bed). i'm trying to look at this not even as a blip, but as an achievement?!, as i may have genuinely been hungry and there was no sin in choosing what i chose. right, c? (the nutritionist)

  3. good for you! There is always a positive. Have a nice sleep

  4. I am so glad you made it through this! And don't feel bad about crying - I think most of us have done it at some point. I know I have.

    By the time you read this, it'll be Saturday, so here's to a brand new wonderful day!