Friday, February 27, 2009

confused this morning.

i'm just generally confused this morning. i woke up hungry, but also somewhat out of it and kind of blah. i don't really want to go to work. i don't really want to do anything. i just ate breakfast and now i feel icky. i feel disconnected and anxious. it's amazing how powerful the damn ed can be... it extends so far beyond food.

i couldn't decide what i wanted for breakfast, so i split it up.

smaller-than-usual bowl of heritage flakes & puffins, frozen cherries, soymilk, plus 1/2 a banana with maple-almond butter
** 1.5 starch, 1 dairy, 1 fruit, 1 protein, 1 other **

this wasn't very enjoyable Sad Smilies. i couldn't decide what i wanted to pack for lunch, either:

rudi's whole wheat tortilla with roasted pepper hummus, smoked turkey, monterey jack cheese, and yellow bell pepper (my wrapping job was not so pretty so this is the "before"), and a cup of really sweet local strawberries
** 2 starch, 1 other, 2 protein, 1 dairy, 1 veg, 1 fruit **

and for a morning snack, i packed:

3 prunes and some roasted/salted peanuts
** 1/2 fruit, 1 protein, 1 other **

afternoon snack is... friday afternoon latte special! ** 2 dairy, 1 other ** . since i was sick last week, it's been TWO weeks since my last latte. i don't even think i've had one elsewhere since then (which is great for my wallet).

i wish i could shake the feeling i'm having right now . i'm looking at these pictures and thinking, i don't WANT any of this. wouldn't it make things better if i skipped them? um no, disorder, that would not help. i'm not likely to have much hunger today (when i'm feeling like this i generally don't-- it's the ed's way of manipulating me into thinking that i don't need food or that not eating will help in some way) so i need to be diligent about my meals/snacks.

sorry for the downer post. comment if you relate.


  1. Hi Rebecca!

    I got your comment on my blog and wanted to respond. When I make tofu, I usually press it for as long as possible. Usually overnight. I usually put a paper towel on it and then stack it with some books and let it go. I have cooked it both using a marinade method and just tossing some marinade on while cooking - and I find that marinating it over night or at least for three hours or so is best. It has a rich flavor then. I usually put it in a pan and just keep flipping it until it gets golden brown, or I bake at 375 for about 20ish minutes or so.
    Good luck!

  2. I hope you had a good day in the end. I really do. Sometimes that old self peaks through a little and we have to remind it that we've changed. I'm not having the best day today and I can certainly relate to how you are feeling, just in my own disordered thinking I suppose. I hope you were able to find your appetite or at least figure out what was making you feel down. Acknowledging the emotion and looking for the cause of it is usually how I stop myself from turning back. Perhaps I should listen to my own advice. I just wanted to let you know that I hope you feel allright.

  3. hi susie,

    thanks - i do feel better. it hasn't been an easy day, but it has been a fulfilling one, in that i feel like i worked my way through it. i wasn't really hungry for my meals at work, but that was expected... thanks for your nice comment!