i'm trying REALLY hard not to punish myself right now. i could just be angry at myself, but what good would it do?
i was working outside until about 4. i had munched on some pretzels at 3. at around 3:30 the maintenance started using some sort of leaf? blower right outside my balcony, and i was getting irritated by the noise. i finally moved inside when, as luck has it, the maintenance moved inside as well, to vacuuming the hallway, and i guess the walls must be paper thin because it was LOUD. i started getting a headache, so i went into my room, shut the door, put the blanket over my head, and slept for about a half hour. when i woke up i felt guilty for not working, ate a few carrots, and... blur. deal-with-it-all-via-disorder-mode. really, it did not deal with anything, and that almost made me mad. because there was a time when it sort of worked, damnit. so from there i decided i was allowed to turn the page. i went out and bought some fruit and yogurt and other non-exciting and non-threatening things at the store, and then i decided i could have a simple dinner. because it wouldn't make sense to skip dinner, right?! right. but apparently i didn't have the confidence in feeling that i could have a normal dinner, and well, slip #2 within 4 hours.
i called my therapist after that. it was comforting to talk to her, tell on myself, hear that i didn't ruin my recovery.
i could do some more work now, but i think instead i will go to bed.
oh and, i thought about not writing about all this... skipping over the day and hoping no one would notice, but i haven't omitted anything thus far, so really, why should i start? i'm here to be honest.