Saturday, March 7, 2009

weekend stress?

it's 9:46 on saturday morning and i'm already stressed. i feel like i don't have enough time to do the things i need and want to do. i have (work) work to do, my apt. needs cleaning, i'd like to get together w/ a friend, i have a dinner to go to tomorrow, i want to make some progress on my dress (i'm making a dress that i may wear to a wedding in the beginning of may if i can get it done), i am going to go running (it is going to be beauuuutiful this weekend), and on top of all that, we lose an hour!

i am not going to be drinking any alcohol for a LONG time. i slipped up last night, when really i should have just gone to bed. i wasn't drunk by any means, but a glass and a half for me is enough to seriously blur my decision making skills. once i had started bingeing i could not believe i was doing it... i felt like i was watching myself go through a bad dream. i had horrible flashbacks of the past, as if suddenly i was back in the depths of the disorder. but no, this was an isolated incident, triggered by a poor choice (the wine), and i'm trying REALLY hard not to beat myself up for it. i made a mistake, i'm correcting that mistake. i'm sure i'm not "off" as far as my meal plan.

nowadays i learn from every slip. my therapist says for the past year i have been "actively recovering" but i really feel that now. i regret the choice i made last night, and it is a further reminder that this is not what i want to be doing. and one binge/purge in two weeks is actually something i should be proud of. of course, i want that 2 weeks to become 3, a month, etc., but recovery is a process.

i allowed myself a nourishing breakfast this morning:

mix puffins and kashi golean, frozen blueberries, vanila soymilk, and a heaping tsp crunchy pb drizzled on top... because, why not! i went back later for a 1/2 cup vanilla soymilk to finish off my coffee

i'm debating whether to run now or in a little while. oddly, my stomach is usually not bothered by running almost immediately after eating.

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